Thread:Yelmut Eats A Lemon/@comment-40022303-20190726165730

putting this here because i don't know where else to go and so people will see it and hopefully come tell me to fucking off myself already. i detest crisis hotlines so don't even try it.

i fucking hate being barely high functioning enough to have been put in regular classes instead of special education, but also too low functioning to live independently in society. as it is, i struggled severely throughout elementary, middle, and high school. i always wished my autism was more severe so i could have been exempt from the standard education system and i wouldn’t have to worry about earning a degree or finding a job later in life. one thing is clear, and it’s that i can’t keep going. i had to drop out of university after only a few months and i know i’ll never be able to handle it if i try to go back. my autism, adhd, and anxiety disorder are so debilitating that i’m of no use to anyone; for everything i can do, there are a million people who can do a better job at it.

all i've ever wanted was to feel like i belong as part of a community, but no matter how hard i try i've always felt like an outsider and a nuisance, even during the three years i was an administrator on a highly active wiki. i try so hard to help but i always end up fucking things up instead. within only this week i have disrupted a database wiki with fanon content, made a harmful redirect, imported a useless template, and violated copyright on the same wiki. i don't even know why i try anymore. like i said, for everything i can do, almost anyone else can do it better. i can’t help but feel like my life is a dead end. all i can hope for is that i’ll find the courage to end it soon. 