Thread:Jeffrey Penguin/@comment-31764595-20191116230536/@comment-27881268-20191117064542

I really don’t know.

I’ll start with the first one. UM would die. My activity was scarce enough on the wiki, and I didn’t feel like I should be there for much longer. Star was the one that kicked UM back to me, and that’s when I realized that hey, maybe I had something. If I didn’t stick around for that, UM would be abandoned, and there wouldn’t be any Bits. I wouldn’t have that chance to grow as a writer.

And back to the Star thing, that’s when things really kicked off for my wiki time in of itself. Star was a friend, and then I realized that it wasn’t just some place to blab about... stuff. There were people there, people I could form friends with. So I stuck around to talk about FNaF and theorize with him here and there, and we more or less know what happened from there. I met Nam and realized people on the wiki could talk about the real world and what we do, I met Yan and realized I could genuinely have fun on the wiki, Spring pulled a “Safe Room Assemble!” and I made friends.

And that’s what’s important there. I actually made friends. And you know, I was in a dark point of my life as summer came to a close (I only befriended Star in the uprising of May). And you know? All of the main three lifted their hands out, along with Fred. Star couldn’t help with what was going on, but he tried to make me feel better about my situation by providing a good time. Nam offered me solutions to my problem to help resolve my conflict. Yan, even if it was an act, was depressed too, and understood my struggle and offered support. And so did Fred. They helped me realize I wasn’t lost, and that maybe there was hope. Had I left, I wouldn’t have gotten that support. I would’ve felt even worse. And then the safe room came around to help even more with that. It was like we only could go up from there when it came to my needs, as selfish as that may sound.

And best of all? They accompanied me. This applies to today too. Back then, I couldn’t keep up with my friends, they were moving on and I couldn’t stay standing by them. Last year and earlier this year, my social awkwardness was at its fullest, and I couldn’t talk with anyone. But the wiki, I could talk to people. There wasn’t any awkwardness, I could take all the time I wanted to say something instead of having to think of it and say it. It was the only place where I could thoroughly talk with real friends. Of course now I’ve gotten a lot better, and as I told Nam (I don’t know if I actually said it to you guys), I think I’m doing better with others in reality than people online. And that was even before these young people came around. But they served their purpose, they’re still my friends (most of them).

But then I also think to myself... maybe if I hadn’t stayed, I would be closer with my family. Maybe I would’ve gotten closer with my friends. Maybe I wouldn’t have had to have my struggle with losing them because I wouldn’t have to lose them in the first place. Maybe I wouldn’t have grown so awkward because I could’ve actually gone with them.

Because think about it, I don’t use my phone and stuff for a thousand social media accounts. Today, it’s only Discord and the wiki. And Discord is only there because of the wiki. If there was no more wiki, I would have no reason to use my phone all the time aside from YouTube and writing. And again, if I left, there would be no writing. So I would barely have a reason to get on my phone aside from... watching whatever I used to back then. I would be able to have the chance to get out in the real world. I would be able to get closer to people in actual contact. I would be able to do things without having to check my phone all the time. I could’ve actually done something with those dear to me. But suddenly I had a reason to check my phone. I had become like everyone else, invested away from the real world. Time I’ll never be able to take back.

And, maybe, if I wasn’t always distracted by the wiki and writing, I could’ve become better as an artist. Maybe in that time I used on the wiki, I could’ve spent my time finding new strategies and techniques. Maybe I could’ve expanded my styles and appearances. I was already making little toons (admittedly, FNaF ones and with stick figures as you saw from my FNaF Day picture), what if I could’ve gone beyond that? I only stopped making them so I could take a break over summer, and wouldn’t you know it, that’s when the wiki came in. I moved on to the next thing, leaving potential and going to something everyone else does.

And I never returned to that comic, even though I love the characters and by all means want to. But now I’ve caught myself up in more to do, not only with school where I have less time, but also with UM stuff. And so much of that free time I once had was used on the wiki and writing stuff (still drawing, but not full on like it used to be). There’s no going back, what could I have done if I had that time to do something else? Could I have made myself better? Could I have made it more possible for me to stand up next to other school artists instead of doubting myself and feeling like I’m falling behind? Could I have perused my dream more?

Could I have solidified myself as a person? Could I have gotten close with my family? Could I have upheld my friendships with the people I could get along with? Could I have been more masterful than just a guy who can draw cartoon characters? Could I have made a name for myself that wasn’t a username? “What could I have done differently? I could I have saved myself?”

Now am I saying I regret being on the wiki, no. Being surrounded by people who (for the most part) enjoy my presence isn’t something I’d want to take back. Yeah I have a better time with people I can actively do stuff with, but a lot of the people I’ve met online are actually of a better quality. Although the ratio of good to bad people online is really poor compared to real people, which is what makes it tough. But I don’t regret being friends with you, the main three, Hopper, Tronkers, Fred, and many others. And I don’t regret learning I’m capable of telling a story with depth.

It’s just that... sometimes I just trace my weaknesses back to the wiki. I don’t often think about this, y’know, because I want to stay happy. I’ve accepted what I have right now, and don’t want to bum myself out with what I’ve missed. I’m happy with my lifestyle, I happy with my friends. But it’s just... maybe I could’ve been more.

Man, I didn’t expect this reply to get like this. Whoa.