Thread:Sophiedp/@comment-27138615-20190825075930/@comment-2001:E68:40B7:B0A6:5C81:E167:33B6:8FB3-20190827165848

Let me get this straight:

For the first thing of all, while this user had blocked me from Discord just before I lost access to my account, there's no way I can contact her about it because she already blocked me. Or is that even possible?

For the "lies about my true personality", why should I tell lies about my personality to everyone? Will I get anything from that? Exactly, there's no point to lie, and I'm being honest there and tell the truth about my true personality with proofs. But maybe she didn't trust in whatever I said, so in her point of view is considered as "lies". I was doing whatever I was supposed to do, I was explaining myself I wanted to change and improve myself to be a better person, and I'm determined to do that. Is that not a right thing to do? I'm not trying to sound innocent here, I am trying to explain my real intention and I'm not going to hide anything anymore. For your information, I have no intention to hurt he, at all. And I truly feel sorry if I really come across as "toxic" at times. It honestly hurts me because I am trying to be a nice person possible, and if I ever come acros as "toxic" then it was probably unintentional. I also honestly am scared of doing something bad, and anxienty happens to me when I did.

Now for the next stuff. I have absolutely no respect for her boundaries. Yes, I admit it, the stuff actually had happened. I manipulated her with death treats on myself simply because she didn't agree with it. Later on I've tried to accept it as something she feel uncomfortable doing so, it was hard for me, but I did it. I tried to force myself to stop asking her to do the unconfortable stuff, and I did tell her that I will make sure it won't happen again. But shortly after that, another stuff happened, which is a completely different topic, caused her to block me and she started to think that I am still not respecting her boundaries although I already get over with it. Nobody really trust me anymore at this point and I went hopeless. I feel regretful of the stuff that happened and that was so manipulative of me. But all I ever wanted was to have the best for our friendship.

I didn't want to be treated less because I was getting more and more paranoid about our friendship. I've been so long-winded and kept reminding her to keep our friendship at the best condition. I'm not trying to give an excuse for every single thing I've done. While I understand that she had a boyfriend, I was really worried if she would value me less as her close friend. I didn't want her to start neglecting a close friend just because of her boyfriend, because I've already seen that happened to some people. Again this was my fault and I apologies for that. It was my overreaction and overthinking that caused me to said stuff like this.

And another point, this was clearly her misunderstanding and misinterpretion. I told her to keep the secret because I shared my private stuff to her, and I didn't want them to be leaked out the someone else out of our DM without even asking for my permission. I did not intend to force her to keep the abuse as a secret, I just want her to respect the privacy, and if she think that I really told her to keep the abuse as secret, I wanted to ensure her that all the abuse won't happen again and just keep the rest of our chat a pirvacy.

Then for the stalking part. I don't understand how she exactly defines a "stalker". While it was true that I did read her messages, I was just checking up how she was doing because as a friend, I just so happen to worry and I care about her situation IRL. Maybe that, in her perspective is considered as. I'm sorry that she had to suffer through her family abuse, and I just didn't want to make things worse for her. If anything I tried to get her to talk to me about it on DM, because I really wanted to cheer her up. I never talked on the server itself because I've explained this to her many times already. I barely know anyone there at all, I'm not even familar with the community itself, and when I tried to speak up, I barely get any responses from anyone at all because they didn't know me.

Now for the next point I've always explained previously that I manipulated her by making death threats on myself. But this should be the past now, I really promised myself not to do that again, or at least I hope I have changed from that. I didn't really have much to say. I honestly thought that she was upset at me for what I did, and it hurt me.

For the record, I was just really tired of the stuff that happened between both of us, because I really wanted to resolve the conflict as soon as possible. It honestly has stucked in my mind for months and I cannot hand off from my depression and anxienty while the stuff was still happening. It seemed like the conflict was going to be shunted rather than getting it resolved. I wouldn't appreciate if that was the case, because I know, people will turn against me for whatever I did. But I already apologied and promised not to do that ever again, and it kept happening. While I was still learning and trying to change, I didn't want to be referred as a bad person anymore and that the community will turn against me. I was really scared if that was the case, because I don't want to be like this, I want to be a nice person, I insist on that. Yes, I understand that actions speak louder than words, I just need more time for myself to proof that I really had changed. If people kept jumping into a lash conclusion saying I never changed, then it is even possible for me to proof that? I don't think so.

I know that I have been constantly begging her to forgive me, because I am really worried that I won't be ever forgiven. When things got a little better, I tried not to think too much about it, and take a break from the begging because apparently it will come out as an "obsession" if I do so. I waited till her birthday, I tried to be nice and wish her, because I really want to get the friendship back. But based on what she said next, I become worried again, if we will never be the best friends we were before, I was so anxious, and I ended up forcing her unintentionally and based on my actions she already think that I never changed. All my emotion issues haven't really been recovered yet at the time, so I might be overreacting, again sorry for that. It's totally my fault. I should've worded it better, and I regret it.

Last but not least, the main reason why I created the blog post was because I wanted to vent out the stuff that happened, which was getting on me. I posted it on here because I had no idea where should I post it, and I got a feeling that I am not even allowed to speak up my mind because I will get banned for that if I did. The stress and pressure on me was too much, and whenever I tried to tell her about my struggles, it is considered as "guilt tripping". I don't really understand her definition of "guilt tripping" at all. It's like I'm not allowed to vent out whatever I have been suffering in my life to relieve my emotions. I'm not even allowed to defend myself when there is any backstabbing on me, now that I was banned for doing so. Is this community really treats every single drama as one-sided? I'm not completely sure though, because I'm not belong to that community. I made the blog post because I wanted to resolve the conflict, and I would kindly request for a deletion once it's done.

So please, take time to read whatever I've said. You might see me as a terrible person, but I'm actually explaining what I actually am inside. You shouldn't judge a book by its cover after all. Regardless, I am NOT innocent for whatever that happened, because I am not perfect. I only do what I'm supposed to do, like improve to become a better person, learning from my past mistakes, and so on. This was a huge misunderstanding rather than anything worse.

- Rosie