User:Epic1993

Biography:

Maurice Pitka was born in America in 1963. His parents were dog stylists  who became missionaries. When they died he was left in a small village in India. In 1075 at 12 years old he pursued becoming a guru to become famous and a lothario as well. Alongside Deepak Chopra he was mentored by the guru

Guru Tugginmypudha, who is several cross eyed. Deepak passes quickly while Pitka is forced to wear a chastity belt, with an Elephant head codpiece that does protect his genitals from pain. Much to Pitka's chagrin he is forced into celibacy not even able to masturbate or he will risk becoming cross eyed like his mentor.

After many humiliating tests Pitka became a successful motivational speaker and love guru by 2001. number-two Guru in the world", after Deepak Chopra.

Pitka's dream is to become the number-one Guru and appear on The Oprah Winfrey Show. He lives a charmed life with thousands of followers, including the celebrities Jessica Simpson, Val Kilmer and Mariska Hargitay. His teachings, which involve simplistic acronyms and plays on words, are displayed in PowerPoint slide shows.

In Canada, Jane Bullard inherits the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team, who are on a losing streak; her star player, Darren Roanoke, has been playing badly ever since his wife Prudence left him for Los Angeles Kings goaltender Jacques "Lè Cocq" Grandé. Jane is a big fan of Pitka's, and offers to pay him $2 million to patch up Darren's marriage, so the team can win the Stanley Cup. Pitka's agent tells him that if he succeeds, Oprah will have him on her show. Pitka is instantly smitten with Jane, while coach Punch Cherkov dislikes Pitka instantly because Pitka mocks Cherkov's dwarfism.

Pitka and Jane bond on the plane ride. Jane became a fan of Pitka’s work due to the death of her father (in real life, Mike Myers became a fan of Deepak Chopra after his father’s death). Jane admits she has a crush on him and Pitka asks if she has a husband or a boyfriend which she says no to. Pitka asks if she is a lesbian and she laughs but reveals she did experiment once in college, Pitka gets an erection causing his shaft to bonk against the chastity device and a loud metallic dinging noise to come from his crotch. Jane asks what the sound was but Pitka denies hearing it, he grimaces and crosses his leg over his lap, he hisses and winces in discomfort. Pitka tells Jane he is surprised she is single, she asks him why. Pitka mentions at first that she is nice and intelligent but his comments get even more salacious as he mentions her " bedroom eyes" and " pouty lips." He next comments on her bosom as a " nice rack". He finishes extremely emphasizing his lust of her butt, calling it tight, bell shaped and thick while gesticulating groping her buttocks,

PJane reveals the "Bullard Curse." Canadian hockey fans dislike her very much and throw food at her when they see her (to the point that boundary lines are painted in the Leafs' arena specifically for her to show when she wouldn't be seen by the fans).

Pitka encourages the rival team to beat Darren up during a game, to distract him from his distress over his wife's affair. Darren begins to play well but then gets suspended for the next two games after beating up Le Cocq, and hitting Coach Cherkov with a hockey puck.

Later, Pitka and Rajneesh perform the song More Than Words on Sitar. Pitka has dinner with Jane. Rajneesh prepares a dish called " nuts in a sling", consisting of two lychee in a dough pouch resembling a scrotum and testicles. Rajneesh asks Pitka if he would like his nuts to be crushed, Pitka reacts incredulously to this saying of course. As Rajneesh whacks the dish with a mallet Pitka reacts as he feels it in his own " nuts"{ testicles). Pitka exclaims moaning and groaning until he halts Rajneesh by shouting his safe word " Geronimo". The next step is dipping it in warm oily greasy water, Pitka reacts by groaning in discomfort then groans in pleasure as he goes cross eyed momentarily . Next curly fries and a large pickle are added to the dish to resemble pubic hair and a penis. Jane declines politely grimacing in discomfort , he offers her Alligator soup instead, Jane expresses her worry about how things are going, Pitka emotionally manipulates her verbally and she attempts to kiss him only to hear a ding again  from his chastity device.   Upset when he tells her their love cannot be, she leaves.

Pitka advises Darren to write an apology to Prudence, and fights off a rooster to deliver the letter. After they lose three games, Coach Cherkov berates Jane and punches Pitka in the groin. The team members groan and grab themselves in sympathy as Jane gasps ad covers her mouth. He shakes his fist only slightly injured from hitting the chastity belt but Pitka reacts in anguish due to having 26 years of blue balls, he moans and grabs his crotch hunching down Pitka uses Omar Sharif's name in vain as he shouts " MY BALLS  " doubling over, he falls to the ground groaning and yells at Cherkov while crying " MY BALLS, YOU PRICK" .  Cherkoff tells him " stay down, bitch." Pitka fearful of taking another jab to his gonads humbly complies.

Pitka chases after Jane who scolds him to do his job.

Dick Pants warns Pitka to hurry up the process or he will lose his spot on Oprah again to Deepak Chopra. Pitka is adamant that Darren is not ready. Pitka and Darren attempt a confrontation, but her invective ends up scaring both of them away. Pitka helps Darren realise that since his mother only showed him love when he succeeded he had grown to believe Prudence would only love him as long as he won. Pitka then drives himself and Darren to Niagara Falls for a "Heart to Heart".

With time running out, Pitka distracts Le Cocq with his idol, Celine Dion, then tells Prudence that Darren stood up to his mom, encouraging her to return to her husband. During the lead up to the final game, Le Cocq, having heard that Darren cannot play with his mother in the audience, gets her to sing the national anthem, causing Darren to flee. At the airport on his way to guest on Oprah, Pitka sees the news on television and defies his agent by going back to help Darren.

After smoothing things over with his mother, Darren recovers until Le Cocq brags that Prudence prefers him in bed. Darren freezes and Pitka realizes he needs another distraction, which he provides by getting two elephants to have sex in the middle of the rink, in front of the live television audience. Darren wakes up from his stupor and scores the winning goal. After the game, Pitka makes up with Jane and Coach Cherkov, then meets Deepak Chopra and decides that he is fine with being the first Guru Pitka instead of the next Deepak Chopra.

Back in India, Guru Tugginmypudha tells Pitka that he has finally learned to love himself and removes Pitka's chastity belt, revealing there was a hook in the back. The film ends with Jane and Pitka dancing together in a Bollywood-style number to a rendition of "The Joker".

In a deleted/ extended ending scene Jane and Pitka have sex with it being revealed Pitka is as endowed as an elephant.