User:RHaworth/Shakes/A Mad World My Masters



[Enter Follywit and his consorts Lieutenant Mawworm &amp; Ancient Hoboy, and others his Comrades]

Mawworm Captain, Regent, Principal,

Hoboy What shall I call thee? the Noble spark of bounty; the life-blood of Society.

Follywit Call me your forecast, you whoresons, when you come drunk out of a tavern, &rsquo;tis I must cast your plots into form still; &rsquo;tis I must manage the prank, or I&rsquo;ll not give a louse for the proceeding: I must let fly my civil fortunes, turn wild-brain, lay my wits upo&rsquo; th Tenters, you rascals, to	maintain a company of villains, whom I love in my very soul and conscience.

Mawworm A ha, our little forecast,

Follywit Hang you, you have bewitched me among you, I was as well given till I fell to be wicked, my grandsire had hope of me, I went all in black, swore but a&rsquo; Sundays, never came home drunk, but upon fasting nights to cleanse my stomach; And now I&rsquo;m quite altered, blown into light colours, let out oaths by th&rsquo; minute, sit up late till it be early, drink drunk till I am sober, sink down dead in a tavern, and rise in a tobacco-shop: here&rsquo;s a	transformation: I was wont yet to pity the simple, and leave &rsquo;em some money: &rsquo;slid, now I gull &rsquo;em without confidence; I	go without order, swear without number, gull without mercy, and drink without measure.

Mawworm I deny the last, for if you drink ne&rsquo;er so much, you drink within measure.

Follywit How prove you that sir?

Mawworm Because the drawers never fill their pots

Follywit Mass that was well found out! all drunkards may lawfully say, they drink within measure by that trick; and now I&rsquo;m put i&rsquo;th mind of a trick, you can keep your countenance villains? yet I am a fool to ask that, for how can they keep their countenance that have lost their credits?

Hoboy I warrant you for blushing Captain.

Follywit I easily believe that ancient, for thou hast lost thy colours once. Nay faith as for blushing, I	think there&rsquo;s grace little enough among you all; 'tis Lent in your cheeks, the flag&rsquo;s down. Well, your blushing face I	suspect not, nor indeed greatly your laughing face, unless you had more money in your purses. Then thus compendiously now you all know the possibilities of my hereafter fortunes and the humour of my	frolic grandsire Sir Bounteous Progress; whose death makes all possible to me: I shall have all, when he has nothing; but now he has all, I shall have nothing: I think one mind runs through a million of	&rsquo;em; they love to keep us sober all the while they&rsquo;re alive, that when they&rsquo;re dead we may drink to their healths; they cannot abide to see us merry all the while they&rsquo;re above ground; and that makes so many laugh at their fathers&rsquo; funerals; I know my Grandsire has his will in a box, and has bequeathed all to me, when he can carry nothing away; but stood I in	needs of poor ten pounds now, by his will I should hang myself e&rsquo;er I should get it, there&rsquo;s no such word in his will I warrant you, nor no such thought in his mind.

Mawworm You may build upon that Captain.

Follywit Then since he has no goodwill to do me good as long as he	lives; by mine own will, I&rsquo;ll do myself good before he dies, and now I arrive at the purpose. You are not ignorant I&rsquo;m sure, you true and necessary implements of mischief; first, that my	Grandsire Sir Bounteous Progress is a Knight of thousands and therefore no Knight since one thousand six hundred: <!- The year 1600? - Alasdair, Bullen see note Vol I. p.135- Soon after his accession James I greatly increased numbers of knights -> next, that he keeps a house like his name Bounteous, open for all comers: thirdly and lastly, that he stands much upon the glory of his complement, variety of entertainment, together with the largeness of his kitchen, longitude of his buttery, and fecundity of	his larder, and thinks himself never happier than when some stiff lord or great countess alights, to make light his dishes. These being well mixed together, may give my project better encouragement, and make my purpose spring forth more fortunate: to be short, and cut off a great deal of dirty way I&rsquo;ll down to my grandsire like a lord.

Mawworm How Captain?

Follywit A French ruff, a thin beard, and a strong perfume will do&rsquo;t: I can hire blue coats for you all by Westminster Clock, and that colour will be soonest believed.

Mawworm But prithee captain &mdash;

Follywit Push, I reach past your fathoms; you desire crowns?

Mawworm From the Crown of our Head, to the sole of our foot bully.

Follywit Why carry your selves but probably, and carry away enough with your selves.

[Enter Penitent Brothel]

Mawworm Why there spoke a Roman Captain! &mdash; Master Penitent Brothell!.

Penitent Sweet Master Follywit

[Exeunt Follywit, Mawworm, Hoboy, etc.]

Here&rsquo;s a mad-brain a&rsquo;th first, whose pranks scorn to have precedents, to be second to any, or walk beneath any: madcap&rsquo;s inventions; h&rsquo;as played more tricks than the cards can allow a man, and of the last stamp too, hating imitation, a	fellow whose only glory is to be prime of the company; to be sure of	which, he maintains all the rest: he&rsquo;s the carrion, and they the kites that gore upon him. But why in others do I check wild passions. And retain deadly follies in myself? I tax his youth of common receiv&rsquo;d riot. Time&rsquo;s comic flashes, and the fruits of blood; And in my self sooth up adulterous motions. And such an appetite that I know damns me; Yet willingly embrace it, love to Harebrain&rsquo;s wife. Over whose hours and pleasures her sick husband With a fantastic but deserv&rsquo;d suspect, Bestows his serious time in watch and ward; And therefore I&rsquo;m constrain&rsquo;d to use the means Of one that knows no mean, a courtesan, One poison for another, whom her husband Without suspicion innocently admits Into her company, who with tried art Corrupts and loosens her most constant powers,. Making his jealousy more than half a Wittall, Before his face plotting his own abuse. To which himself gives aim. Whilst the broad arrow with the forked head Misses his brow but narrowly; see here she comes, The close Courtesan, whose mother is her bawd.

[Enter Courtesan]

Courtesan Master Penitent Brothel! &mdash;

Penitent My little pretty Lady Gullman, the news, the comfort?

Courtesan You&rsquo;re the fortunate man sir, Knight a&rsquo; the holland shirt: there wants but opportunity and she&rsquo;s wax o&rsquo; your own fashioning. She had wrought herself into the form of your love before my art set finger to her.

Penitent Did our affections meet? our thoughts keep time?

Courtesan So it should seem by the music: the only jar is in the grumbling bass-viol her husband.

Penitent O, his waking suspicion!

Courtesan Sigh not, master Penitent; trust the managing of the business with me, 'tis for my credit now to see't well finished: if I	do you no good, sir, you shall give me no money, sir.

Penitent [Aside] I am arrived at the court of conscience; a courtesan! O admirable times! honesty is removed to the common-place. [To Courtesan] Farewell, lady.

[Exit]

[Enter Mother]

Mother How now, daughter?

Courtesan What news, mother?

Mother A token from thy keeper.

Courtesan O, from Sir Bounteous Progress: he's my keeper indeed; but there's many a piece of venison stolen that my keeper wots not on. There's no park kept so warily but loses flesh one time or other; and no woman kept so privately but may watch advantage to make the best of her pleasure; and in common reason one keeper cannot be enough for so proud a park as a woman.

Mother Hold thee there, girl.

Courtesan Fear not me, mother.

Mother Every part of the world shoots up daily into more subtlety; the very spider weaves her cauls with more art and cunning to entrap the fly. The shallow ploughman can distinguish now 'Twixt simple truth and a dissembling brow; Your base mechanic fellow can spy out A weakness in a lord, and learns to flout. How does't behove us then that live by slight, To have our wits wound up to their stretch'd height! Fifteen times Thou knowest I have sold thy maidenhead To make up a dowry for thy marriage, and yet There's maidenhead enough for old Sir Bounteous still: He'll be all his lifetime about it yet, And be as far to seek when he has done. The sums that I have told upon thy pillow! I shall once see those golden days again: Though fifteen, all thy maidenheads are not gone. Th' Italian is not serv'd yet, nor the French: The British men come for a dozen at once. They engross all the market: tut, my girl, &rsquo;Tis nothing but a politic conveyance, A sincere carriage, a religious eyebrow, That throws their charms over the worldling's senses; And when thou spiest a fool that truly pities The false springs of thine eyes, And honourably doats upon thy love, If he be rich, set him by for a husband. Be wisely temper'd, and learn this, my wench, Who gets th' opinion for a virtuous name May sin at pleasure, and ne'er think of shame.

Courtesan Mother, I am too deep a scholar grown To learn my first rules now.

Mother 'Twill be thy own; I say no more: peace, hark! remove thyself

[Exit Courtesan]

O, the two elder brothers!

[Enter Inesse and Possibility]

Possibility A fair hour, sweet lady!

Mother Good morrow, gentlemen, master Inesse and master Possibility.

Inesse Where's the little sweet lady your daughter?

Mother Even at her book, sir.

Possibility So religious?

Mother 'Tis no new motion, sir; sh'as took it from an infant.

Possibility May we deserve a sight of her, lady?

Mother Upon that condition you will promise me, gentlemen, to	avoid all profane talk, wanton compliments, undecent phrases, and lascivious courtings (which I know my daughter will sooner die than	endure), I am contented your suits shall be granted.

Possibility Not a bawdy syllable, I protest.

Inesse Syllable was well-placed there; for indeed your one syllables are your bawdiest words: prick that down.

[Exeunt]



[Enter Harebrain]

Harebrain She may make night-work on't; 'twas well recover'd; <!- Editor hints misprint for discovered -> He-cats and courtesans stroll most 'i th' night: Her friend may be receiv'd and convey'd forth nightly; I'll be at charge For watch and ward, for watch and ward, i'faith; And here they come.

[Enter Watchmen]

Watchman 1 Give your worship good even.

Harebrain Welcome, my friends; I must deserve your diligence In an employment serious. The troth is, There's a cunning plot laid, but happily discover'd.	To rob my house; the night uncertain when, But fix'd within the circle of this month; Nor does this villany consist in numbers. Or many partners; only some one Shall, in the form of my familiar friend. Be receiv'd privately into my house By some perfidious servant of mine own, Address'd fit for the practice.

Watchman 1 O abominable!

Harebrain If you be faithful watchmen, show your goodness, And with these angels shore up your eyelids: [Giving money] Let me not be purloin'd &mdash; purloin'd indeed! The merry Greeks conceive me &mdash; there's a gem I would not lose. Kept by th' Italian under lock and key: We Englishmen are careless creatures: Well, I have said enough.

Watchman 2 And we will do enough, sir.

Harebrain Why, well said; watch me a good turn now; so, so, so.

[Exeunt Watchmen]

Rise villany with the lark, why, 'tis prevented; Or steal't by with the leather-winged bat, The evening cannot save it &mdash; peace. &mdash;

[Enter Courtesan]

O, lady Gullman, my wife's only company, welcome! and how does the virtuous matron, that good old gentlewoman, thy mother? I persuade myself, if modesty be in the world, she has part on't; a woman of an excellent carriage all her lifetime, in court, city, and country.

Courtesan Sh'as always carried it well in those places, sir; [Aside] Witness three bastards a-piece. [To Harebrain] How does your sweet bed-fellow, sir? you see I'm her boldest visitant.

Harebrain And welcome, sweet virgin; the only companion my soul wishes for her. I left her within at her lute; prithee, give her good counsel.

Courtesan Alas, she needs none, sir!

Harebrain Yet, yet, yet, a little of thy instructions will not come amiss to her.

Courtesan I'll bestow my labour, sir.

Harebrain Do, labour her, prithee. I have conveyed away all her wanton pamphlets; as Hero and Leander, Venus and Adonis; O, two luscious marrow-bone pies for a young married wife! Here, here, prithee, take the Resolution, and read to her a little. [Gives book,]

Courtesan Sh'as set up her resolution already, sir.

Harebrain True, true, and this will confirm it the more: there's a	chapter of hell; 'tis good to read this cold weather: terrify her, terrify her. Go, read to her the horrible punishments for itching wantonness, the pains allotted for adultery; tell her her thoughts, her very dreams are answerable, say so; rip up the life of a	courtesan, and show how loathsome 'tis.

Courtesan [Aside] The gentleman would persuade me in time to disgrace myself, and speak ill of mine own function.

[Exit]

Harebrain This is the course I take; I'll teach the married man A new-selected strain. I admit none But this pure virgin to her company: Pooh, that's enough; I'll keep her to her stint, I'll put her to her pension; She gets but her allowance, that's a bare one: Few women but have that beside their own: Ha, ha, ha! nay, I will put her hard to't.

[Enter Mistress Harebrain and Courtesan]

Mistress Harebrain Fain would I meet the gentleman.

Courtesan Push, fain would you meet him! why, you do not take the course.

Harebrain [Aside] How earnestly she labours her, Like a good wholesome sister of the Family! She will prevail, I hope.

Courtesan Is that the means?

Mistress Harebrain What is the means? I would as gladly, to enjoy his sight, Embrace it as the &mdash;

Courtesan Shall I have hearing? listen.

Harebrain [Aside] She's round with her, i'faith.

Courtesan When husbands in their rank'st suspicions dwell, Then 'tis our best art to dissemble well: Put but these notes in use that I'll direct you, He'll curse himself that e'er he did suspect you. Perhaps he will solicit you, as in trial. To visit such and such; still give denial: Let no persuasions sway you; they're but fetches Set to betray you, jealousies, slights, and reaches. Seem in his sight t' endure the sight of no man; Put by all kisses, till you kiss in common: Neglect all entertain; if he bring in Strangers, keep you your chamber, be not seen. If he chance steal upon you, let him find Some book lie open 'gainst an unchaste mind, And coted Scriptures; though for your own pleasure You read some stirring pamphlet, and convey it Under your skirt, the fittest place to lay it. This is the course, my wench, t' enjoy thy wishes; Here you perform best when you most neglect: The way to daunt is to outvie suspect Manage these principles but with art and life, Welcome all nations, thou'rt an honest wife.

Harebrain [Aside] She puts it home, i'faith, even to the quick: From her elaborate action I reach that. I must requite this maid; faith, I'm forgetful.

Mistress Harebrain Here, lady. Convey my heart unto him in this jewel. Against you see me next, you shall perceive I've profited; in the mean season tell him I am a prisoner yet a' th' Master's side, My husband's jealousy, That masters him, as he doth master me; And as a keeper that locks prisoners up	Is himself prison'd under his own key, Even so my husband, in restraining me, With the same ward bars his own liberty.

Courtesan I'll tell him how you wish it, and I'll wear My wits to the third pile but all shall clear.

Mistress Harebrain I owe you more than thanks, but that I hope My husband will requite you.

Courtesan Think you so, lady? he has small reason for't.

Harebrain What, done so soon? away, to't again, to't again, good wench, to't again; leave her not so: where left you? come.

Courtesan Faith, I am weary, sir.	I cannot draw her from her strict opinion, With all the arguments that sense can frame.

Harebrain No? let me come. &mdash; Fie, wife, you must consent. &mdash; What opinion is't? let's hear.

Courtesan Fondly and wilfully she retains that thought. That every sin is damn'd.

Harebrain O, fie, fie, wife! pea, pea, pea, pea, how have you lost your time! for shame, be converted. There's a diabolical opinion indeed! then you may think that usury were damned; you're a fine merchant, i'faith! or bribery; you know the law well! or sloth; would some of the clergy heard you, i'faith! or pride; you come at court! or gluttony; you're not worthy to dine at an alderman's table! Your only deadly sin&rsquo;s adultery, That villanous ringworm, woman's worst requittal; &rsquo;Tis only lechery that's damn'd to th' pit-hole: Ah, that's an arch offence, believe it, squall! All sins are venial but venereal.

Courtesan I've said enough to her.

Harebrain And she will be rul'd by you.

Courtesan Faugh!

Harebrain I'll pawn my credit on't. Come hither, lady, I will not altogether rest ingrateful; Here, wear this ruby for thy pains and counsel.

Courtesan It is not so much worth, sir; I am a very ill counsellor, truly.

Harebrain Go to, I say.

Courtesan You're to blame, i'faith, sir; I shall ne'er deserve it.

Harebrain Thou hast done't already: farewell, sweet virgin; prithee, let's see thee oftener.

Courtesan [Aside] Such gifts will soon entreat me.

[Exit]

Harebrain Wife, as thou lov'st the quiet of my breast. Embrace her counsel, yield to her advices: Thou wilt find comfort in 'em in the end; Thou'lt feel an alteration: prithee, think on't: Mine eyes can scarce refrain.

Mistress Harebrain Keep in your dew, sir, Lest when you would, you want it.

Harebrain I've pawn'd my credit on't: ah, didst thou know The sweet fruit once, thou'dst never let it go!

Mistress Harebrain 'Tis that I strive to get.

Harebrain And still do so.

[Exeunt]



[Enter Sir Bounteous Progress and two Knights]

Knight You have been too much like your name, Sir Bounteous.

Sir Bounteous O, not so, good knights, not so; you know my humour: most welcome, good Sir Andrew Pollcut; Sir Aquitain Colewort, most welcome.

Both Thanks, good sir Bounteous.

[Exeunt at one door]

[At the other door, enter in haste one of Follywit&rsquo;s companions disguised as a Footman]

Footman O, cry your worship heartily mercy, sir!

Sir Bounteous How now, linen stockings and threescore mile a-day? whose footman art thou?

Footman Pray, can your worship tell me &mdash; ho, ho, ho! &mdash; if my lord be come in yet.

Sir Bounteous Thy lord! what lord?

Footman My lord Owemuch, sir.

Sir Bounteous My lord Owemuch? I have heard much speech of that lord; has great acquaintance i' th' city; that lord has been much followed.

Footman And is still, sir; he wants no company when he's in London: he's free of the mercers, and there's none of 'em all dare cross him.

Sir Bounteous And they did, he'd turn over a new leaf with 'em; he would make 'em all weary on't i' th' end. Much fine rumour have I	heard of that lord, yet had I never the fortune to set eye upon him: art sure he will alight here, footman? I am afraid thou'rt mistook.

Footman Thinks your worship so, sir? by your leave, sir. [Going]

Sir Bounteous Pooh, passion of me, footman! why, pumps, I say, come back!

Footman Does your worship call?

Sir Bounteous Come hither, I say. I am but afraid on't; would it might happen so well! How dost know? did he name the house with the great turret a' th' top?

Footman No, faith, did he not, sir. [Going]

Sir Bounteous Come hither, I say. Did he speak of a cloth-a'-gold chamber?

Footman Not one word, by my troth, sir. [Going]

Sir Bounteous Come again, you lousy seven-mile-an-hour!

Footman I beseech your worship, detain me not.

Sir Bounteous Was there no talk of a fair pair of organs, a great gilt candlestick, and a pair of silver snuffers?

Footman 'Twere sin to belie my lord; I heard no such words, sir. [Going]

Sir Bounteous A pox confine thee! come again, pooh!

Footman Your worship will undo me, sir.

Sir Bounteous Was there no speech of a long dining-room, a huge kitchen, large meat, and a broad dresser-board?

Footman I have a greater maw to that indeed, an't please your worship.

Sir Bounteous Whom did he name?

Footman Why, one sir Bounteous Progress.

Sir Bounteous Ah, a, a! I am that sir Bounteous, you progressive round-about rascal.

Footman [Laughs] Pooh!

Sir Bounteous I knew I should have him i' th' end: there's not a lord will miss me, I thank their good honours; 'tis a fortune laid upon me; they can scent out their best entertainment. I have a kind of	complimental gift given me above ordinary country knights; and how soon 'tis smelt out! I warrant ye, there's not one knight i' th' shire able to entertain a lord i' th' cue, or a lady i' th' nick, like me; &mdash; like me! there's a kind of grace belongs to't, a	kind of art which naturally slips from me; I know not on't, I promise you, 'tis gone before I'm aware on't &mdash; cuds me, I forget myself &mdash; where &mdash;

[Enter Servants]

Servant Does your worship call?

Sir Bounteous Run, sirrah! Call in my chief gentleman i' th' chain of gold; expedite.

[Exit First Servant]

And how does my good lord? I never saw him before in my life. &mdash; A cup of bastard for this footman!

Footman My lord has travelled this five year, sir.

Sir Bounteous Travelled this five year? how many children has he? &mdash; Some bastard, I say!

Footman No bastard, an't please your worship.

Sir Bounteous A cup of sack to strengthen his wit!

[Exit Second Servant, and returns with the wine]

The footman's a fool.

[Enter Gumwater]

O, come hither, master Gumwater, come hither: send presently to master Pheasant for one of his hens; there's partridge i' th' house?

Gumwater And wild-duck, an't please your worship.

Sir Bounteous And woodcock, an't please thy worship.

Gumwater And woodcock, an't please your worship. &mdash; I had thought to have spoke before you.

Sir Bounteous Remember the pheasant, down with some plover, clap down six woodcocks; my lord's coming; now, sir.

Gumwater An't please your worship, there's a lord and his followers newly alighted.

Sir Bounteous Despatch, I say, despatch: why, where's my music? he's come indeed.

[Exit Gumwater]

[Enter Follywit dressed as a Lord, with Mawworm, Hoboy, and others in blue coats]

Follywit Footman!

Footman My lord?

Follywit Run swiftly with my commendations to Sir Jasper Topaz: we'll ride and visit him i' th' morning, say.

Footman Your lordship's charge shall be effected.

[Exit]

Follywit That courtly, comely form should present to me Sir Bounteous Progress.

Sir Bounteous You've found me out my lord; I cannot hide myself: Your honour is most spaciously welcome.

Follywit In this forgive me, sir, That being a stranger to your house and you, I make my way so boldly; and presume Rather upon your kindness than your knowledge; Only your bounteous disposition Fame hath divulg'd, and is to me well known.

Sir Bounteous Nay, and your lordship know my disposition, you know me better than they that know my person; your honour is so much the welcomer for that.

Follywit Thanks, good sir Bounteous.

Sir Bounteous Pray, pardon me; it has been often my ambition, my lord, both in respect of	your honourable presence, and the prodigal fame that keeps even stroke with your unbounded worthiness, To have wish'd your lordship where your lordship is, A noble guest in this unworthy seat: Your lordship ne'er heard my organs?

Follywit Heard of 'em, sir Bounteous, but never heard 'em.

Sir Bounteous They're but double-gilt, my lord; some hundred and fifty pound will fit your lordship with such another pair.

Follywit Indeed, sir Bounteous!

Sir Bounteous O my lord, I have a present suit to you!

Follywit To me, sir Bounteous? and you could ne'er speak at fitter time, for I'm	here present to grant you.

Sir Bounteous Your lordship has been a traveller?

Follywit Some five year, sir.

Sir Bounteous %%I have a grandchild, my lord; I love him; and when I die I'll do somewhat for him: I'll tell your honour the worst of him, a wild lad he has been.

Follywit So we have been all, sir.

Sir Bounteous So we have been all indeed, my lord; I thank your lordship's assistance. Some comic pranks he has been guilty of; but I'll pawn my credit for him, an honest, trusty bosom.

Follywit And that's worth all, sir.

Sir Bounteous And that's worth all indeed, my lord, for he's like to have all when I	die; imberbis iuvenis, his chin has no more prickles yet than a midwife's; there' great hope of his wit, his hair's so long a&#8209;coming. Shall I be bold with your honour, to prefer this aforesaid Ganymede to hold a plate under your lordship's cup?

Follywit You wrong both his worth and your bounty, and you call that boldness. Sir, I have heard much good of that young gentleman.

Sir Bounteous Nay, has a good wit, i'faith my lord.

Follywit Has carried himself always generously.

Sir Bounteous Are you advised of that, my lord? has carried many things cleanly. I'll	show your lordship my will; I keep it above in an outlandish box; the whoreson boy must have all; I love him, yet he shall ne'er find it as long as I live.

Follywit Well, sir, for your sake, and his own deserving, I'll reserve a place for him nearest to my secrets.

Sir Bounteous I understand your good lordship; you'll make him your secretary. &mdash; My music! give my lord a taste of his welcome.

[A strain played by the consort: Sir Bounteous makes a courtly honour to Follywit, and seems to foot the tune]

So. &mdash; How like you our airs, my lord? are they choice?

Follywit They're seldom matched, believe it.

Sir Bounteous The consort of mine own household.

Follywit Yea, sir!

Sir Bounteous The musicians are in ordinary, yet no ordinary musicians. Your lordship shall hear my organs now. <!- footnote adds, it used to be a pair of organs like a pair of bellows ->

Follywit O, I beseech you, sir Bounteous!

Sir Bounteous My organist!

[The organs play, and servants with covered dishes pass over the stage]

Come, my lord, how does your honour relish my organs?

Follywit A very proud air, i'faith, sir.

Sir Bounteous O, how can't choose? a Walloon plays upon 'em, and a Welchman blows wind in their breech.

[Exeunt] [A song to the organs]



[Enter Sir Bounteous with Follywit, Mawworm, Hoboy, and his consorts towards his lodging]

Sir Bounteous You must pardon us, my lord, hasty cates; your honour has had even a	hunting-meal on't; and now I am like to bring your lordship to as	mean a lodging; a hard down bed, i'faith, my lord, poor cambric sheets, and a cloth a' tissue canopy; the curtains, indeed, were wrought in Venice, with the story of the Prodigal Child in silk and gold; only the swine are left out, my lord, for spoiling the curtains.

Follywit 'Twas well prevented, sir.

Sir Bounteous Silken rest, harmonious slumbers, and venereal dreams to your lordship!

Follywit The like to kind Sir Bounteous!

Sir Bounteous Fie, not to me, my lord; I'm old, past dreaming of such vanities.

Follywit Old men should dream best.

Sir Bounteous They're dreamers indeed, my lord; you've gi'nt us. To-morrow your lordship shall see my cocks, my fish-ponds, my park, my champion grounds: I	keep champers in my house can, show your lordship some pleasure.

Follywit Sir Bounteous, you even whelm me with delights.

Sir Bounteous Once again, a musical night to your honour! I&rsquo;ll trouble your lordship no more.

Follywit Good rest, sir Bounteous.

[Exit Sir Bounteous]

So, come, the vizards! where be the masking- suits?

Mawworm In your lordship's portmantua.

Follywit Peace, lieutenant.

Mawworm I had rather have war, captain.

Follywit Pooh, the plot's ripe! come to your business, lad; Though guilt condemn, 'tis gilt must make us glad.

Mawworm Nay, and you be at your distinctions, captain, I'll follow behind no longer.

Follywit Get you before, then, and whelm your nose with your vizard; go.

[Exit Mawworm]

Now, grandsire, you that hold me at hard meat, And keep me out at the dag's end, I'll fit you: Under his lordship's leave, all must be mine He and his will confesses; what I take, then. Is but a borrowing of so much beforehand; I'll pay him again when he dies in so many blacks; I'll have the church hung round with a noble a yard, or requite him in scutcheons: let him trap me in gold, and I'll lap him in lead; quid pro quo. I must look none of his angels in the face, forsooth, until his face be not worth looking on. tut, lads. Let sires and grandsires keep us low, we must Live when they're flesh, as well as when they're dust.

[Exeunt]



[Enter Courtesan and Servant]

Courtesan Go, sirrah, run presently to master Penitent Brothel: you know his lodging; knock him up; I know he cannot sleep for sighing; Tell him, I've happily bethought a mean To make his purpose prosper in each limb, Which only rests to be approv&rsquo;d by him: Make haste, I know he thirsts for't.

[Exeunt severally]



[Enter Follywit in a masking suit with a vizard in his hand]

Gumwater [Within] Oh! <!- Oxford says "Within" is Gumwater- see comment chain of gold ->

Follywit Hark! they're at their business.

[Within] Thieves, thieves!

Follywit Gag that gaping rascal! though he be my grandsire's chief gentleman i' th' chain of gold, I'll have no pity of him.

[Enter Mawworm, Hoboy, and others, vizarded]

How now, lads?

Mawworm All's sure and safe; on with your vizard, sir; the servants are all bound.

Follywit There's one care past then: come, follow me, lads; I'll lead you now to the point and top of all your fortunes: yon lodging is my grandsire's.

Mawworm So, so; lead on, on!

Hoboy Here's a captain worth the following, and a wit worth a	man's love and admiring!

[Exeunt]



[Enter from the bedchamber Follywit, Mawworm, Hoboy, and others, dragging in Sir Bounteous in his night-gown]

Sir Bounteous O gentlemen, and you be kind gentlemen, what countrymen are you?

Follywit Lincolnshire men, sir.

Sir Bounteous I am glad of that, i'faith.

Follywit And why should you be glad of that?

Sir Bounteous O, the honestest thieves of all come out of	Lincolnshire, the kindest-natured gentlemen; they'll rob a man with conscience; they have a feeling of what they go about and will steal with tears in their eyes: ah, pitiful gentlemen!

Follywit Push, money, money! we come for money.

Sir Bounteous Is that all you come for? Ah, what a beast was I to put out my money t'other day! Alas, good gentlemen, what shift shall I	make for you? pray, come again another time.

Follywit Tut, tut, sir, money!

Sir Bounteous O not so loud, sir! you're too shrill a gentleman: I	have a lord lies in my house; I would not for the world his honour should be disquieted.

Follywit Who, my lord Owemuch? We	have took order with him beforehand; he lies bound in his bed, and all his followers.

Sir Bounteous Who, my lord?Bound my lord? Alas, what did you mean to bind my lord? He could keep his bed well enough without binding. You've undone me in't already, you need rob me no farther.

Follywit Which is the key? Come!

Sir Bounteous Ah, I perceive now you're no true Lincolnshire spirits! You come rather out of Bedfordshire; we cannot lie quiet in our beds for you. So, take enough, my masters [they rifle his cabinets]: spur a free horse, my name's sir Bounteous; a merry world, i'faith; what knight but I keep open house at midnight? Well, there should be a conscience, if one could hit upon't.

Follywit Away now; seize upon him, bind him.

Sir Bounteous Is this your court of equity? Why should I be bound for mine own money? But come, come, bind me, I have need on't; I have been too liberal to-night, keep in my hands [they bind him]: nay, as hard as you list; I am too good to bear my lord company. You have watched your time, my masters; I was knighted at Westminster, but many of these nights will make me a knight of Windsor. You've deserved so	well, my masters, I bid you all to dinner to-morrow: I would I might have your companies, i'faith; I desire no more.

Follywit O, ho, sir!

Sir Bounteous Pray, meddle not with my organs, to put 'em out of tune.

Follywit O no, here's better music, sir.

Sir Bounteous Ah, pox feast you!

Follywit Despatch with him, away!

[Exeunt Hoboy and others, carrying Sir Bounteous into the bed&#8209;chamber]

So, thank you, good grandsire! This was bounteously done of him, i'faith: it came somewhat hard from him at	first; for, indeed, nothing comes stiff from an old man but money: and he may well stand upon that, when he has nothing else to stand upon. Where's our portmantua?

Mawworm Here, bully captain.

Follywit In with the purchase, 'twill lie safe enough there under 's nose, I warrant you. &mdash;

[Re-enter Hoboy and others]

What, is all sure?

Hoboy All's sure, captain.

Follywit &&You know what follows now, one villain binds his fellows; go, we must be all bound for our own securities, rascals. There's no	dallying upo' th' point; you conceit me: there is a lord to be found bound in the morning, and all his followers; can you pick out that lord now?

Mawworm O admirable spirit!

Follywit You ne'er plot for your safeties, so your wants be satisfied.

Hoboy But if we bind one another, how shall the last man be bound?

Follywit Pox on't, I'll have the footman 'scape.

Footman That's I; I thank you, sir.

Follywit The footman, of all other, will be supposed to 'scape, for he comes in no bed all night, but lies in 's clothes, to be first ready i' the morning; the horse and he lies in litter together, that's the right fashion of your bonny footman; and his freedom will make the better for our purpose, for we must have one i' the morning to unbind the knight, that we may have our sport within ourselves. We	now arrive at the most ticklish point, to rob, and take our ease, to	be thieves, and lie by't: look to't, lads, it concerns every man's	gullet; I'll not have the jest spoiled, that's certain, though it hazard a windpipe. I'll either go like a lord as I came, or be hanged like a thief as I am; and that's my resolution.

Mawworm Troth, a match, captain, of all hands!

[Exeunt]



[Enter Courtesan meeting Penitent Brothel]

Courtesan O master Penitent Brothel!

Penitent What is't, sweet lady Gullman, that so seizes on thee with rapture and admiration?

Courtesan A thought, a trick, to make you, sir, especially happy, and yet I myself a saver by it.

Penitent I would embrace that, lady, with such courage, I would not leave you on the losing hand. Cour. I will give trust to you, sir. The cause, then, why I raised you from your bed so soon, wherein I know sighs would not let you sleep, thus understand it: You love that woman, master Harebrain's wife. Which no invented means can crown with freedom For your desires and her own wish but this, Which in my slumbers did present itself.

Penitent I'm covetous, lady.

Courtesan You know her husband, lingering in suspect, Locks her from all society but mine.

Penitent Most true.

Courtesan I only am admitted; yet hitherto that has done you no	real happiness; by my admittance I cannot perform that deed that should please you, you know: where- fore thus I've conveyed it, I'll counterfeit a fit of violent sickness.

Penitent Good.

Courtesan Nay, 'tis not so good, by my faith, but to do you good.

Penitent And in that sense I called it: but take me with you, lady; would it be probable enough to have a sickness so suddenly violent?

Courtesan Pooh, all the world knows women are soon down: we can be	sick when we have a mind to't, catch an ague with the wind of our fans, surfeit upon the rump of a lark, and bestow ten pound in physic upon't: we're likest ourselves when we're down; 'tis the easiest art and cunning for our sect to counterfeit sick, that are always full of fits when we are well; for since we were made for a weak, imperfect creature, we can fit that best that we are made for. I thus translated, and yourself slipt into the form of a physician

Penitent I a physician, lady? talk not on't, I beseech you; I	shall shame the whole college.

Courtesan Tut, man, any quacksalving terms will serve for this purpose; for I am pitifully haunted with a brace of elder brothers, new perfumed in the first of their fortunes, and I shall see how forward their purses will be to the pleasing of my palate and restoring of my health. Lay on load enough upon 'em, and spare 'em	not, for they're good plump fleshly asses, and may well enough bear it; let gold, amber, and dissolved pearl, be common ingrediences, and that you cannot compose a cullice without 'em. Put but this cunningly in practice, it shall be both a sufficient recompense for all my	pains in your love, and the ready means to make mistress Harebrain way, by the visiting of me, to your mutual desired company.

Penitent I applaud thee, kiss thee, and will constantly embrace it.

[Exeunt severally]



Sir Bounteous [Within] Ho, Gumwater!

Follywit Singlestone!

[Within] Jenkin, wa, ha, ho! [Within] Ewen! [Within] Simcod!

Follywit Footman! whew!

Footman [within] O good your worship, let me help your good old worship!

[Enter Sir Bounteous, with a cord half unbound, and Footman, assisting to loose him]

Sir Bounteous Ah, poor honest footman! how did'st thou 'scape this massacre?

Footman E'en by miracle, and lying in my clothes, sir.

Sir Bounteous I think so; I would I had lain in my clothes too, footman, so I had 'scaped 'em: I could have but risse like a beggar then, and so I do now, till more money come in; but nothing afflicts me so much, my poor geometrical footman, as that the barbarous villains should lay violence upon my lord. Ah, the binding of my lord cuts my heart in two pieces! So, so, 'tis well; I thank thee: run to thy fellows; undo 'em, undo 'em, undo 'em!

Footman Alas, if my lord should miscarry, they're unbound already, sir; they have no occupation but sleep, feed, and fart.

[Exit]

Sir Bounteous If I be not ashamed to look my lord i' th' face, I&rsquo;m a Saracen. &mdash; My lord!

Follywit Who's that?

Sir Bounteous One may see he has been scared: a pox on 'em for their labours!

Follywit Singlestone!

Sir Bounteous Singlestone? I'll ne'er answer to that, i'faith.

Follywit Suchman!

Sir Bounteous Suchman? nor that neither, i'faith; I am not brought so low, though I be old.

Follywit Who's that i' th' chamber?

Sir Bounteous Good morrow, my lord; 'tis I.

Follywit Sir Bounteous, good morrow; I would give you my hand, sir, but I cannot come at it. Is this the courtesy a' th' country, Sir Bounteous?

Sir Bounteous Your lordship grieves me more than all my loss; 'Tis the unnatural'st sight that can be found, To see a noble gentleman hard bound.

Follywit Trust me, I thought you had been better beloved, sir Bounteous; but I see you have enemies, sir, and your friends fare the worse for 'em. I like your talk better than your lodging; I ne'er lay harder in a bed of down; I have had a mad night's rest on't. Can you not guess what they should be, sir Bounteous?

Sir Bounteous Faith, Lincolnshire men, my lord.

Follywit How? fie, fie, believe it not, sir; these lie not far off, I warrant you.

Sir Bounteous Think you so, my lord?

Follywit I'll be burnt and they do; some that use to your house, sir, and are familiar with all the conveyances.

Sir Bounteous This is the commodity of keeping open house, my lord; that makes so many shut their doors about dinner-time.

Follywit They were resolute villains: I made myself known to 'em, told 'em	what I was, gave 'em my honourable word not to disclose 'em &mdash;

Sir Bounteous O saucy, unmannerly villains!

Follywit And think you the slaves would trust me upon my word?

Sir Bounteous They would not?

Follywit Forsooth, no; I must pardon 'em: they told me lords' promises were mortal, and commonly die within half an hour after they are spoken; they were but gristles, and not one amongst a hundred come to any full growth or perfection; and therefore, though I were a	lord, I must enter into bond.

Sir Bounteous Insupportable rascals!

Follywit Troth, I'm of that mind. Sir Bounteous, you fared the worse for my coming hither.

Sir Bounteous Ah, good my lord, but I'm sure your lordship fared the worse!

Follywit Pray, pity not me, sir.

Sir Bounteous Is not your honour sore about the brawn of the arm? a	murrain meet 'em, I feel it!

Follywit About this place, sir Bounteous?

Sir Bounteous You feel as it were a twinge, my lord?

Follywit Ay, e'en a twinge, you say right.

Sir Bounteous A pox discover 'em, that twinge I feel too!

Follywit But that which disturbs me most, sir Bounteous, lies here.

Sir Bounteous True; about the wrist, a kind of tumid numbness.

Follywit You say true, sir.

Sir Bounteous The reason of that, my lord, is, the pulses had no play.

Follywit Mass, so I guessed it.

Sir Bounteous A mischief swell 'em, for I feel that too!

[Enter Mawworm]

Mawworm 'Slid, here's a house haunted indeed!

Sir Bounteous A word with you, sir.

Follywit How now, Singlestone?

Mawworm I'm sorry, my lord, your worship has lost &mdash;

Sir Bounteous Pup, pup, pup, pup, pup!

Follywit What have I lost? speak.

Sir Bounteous A good night's sleep, say. Fol. Speak, what have I lost, I say?

Mawworm A good night's sleep, my lord, nothing else,

Follywit That's true; my clothes, come.

Mawworm My lord's clothes! his honour's rising.

[Enter Hoboy and others with clothes: they retire to Follywit, behind the curtains, which are drawn]

Sir Bounteous Hist, well said: come hither; what has my lord lost? tell me, speak softly.

Mawworm His lordship must know that, sir.

Sir Bounteous Hush! prithee tell me.

Mawworm 'Twill do you no pleasure to know't, sir.

Sir Bounteous Yet again? I desire it, I say.

Mawworm Since your worship will needs know't, they have stolen away a jewel in a blue silk ribband of a hundred pound price, beside some hundred pounds in fair spur-royals.

Sir Bounteous That's some two hundred i' th' total.

Mawworm Your worship's much about it, sir.

Sir Bounteous Come, follow me; I'll make that whole again in so much money; let not my lord know on't.

Mawworm O pardon me, sir Bounteous! that were a dis honour to my lord: should it come to his ear, I should hazard my undoing by it.

Sir Bounteous How should it come to his ear? if you be my lord's	chief man about him, I hope you do not use to speak unless you be	paid for't; and I had rather give you a councillor's double fee to hold your peace. Come, go to; follow me, I say.

Mawworm There will be scarce time to tell it, sir; my lord will away instantly.

Sir Bounteous His honour shall stay dinner, by his leave; I'll	prevail with him so far: and now I remember a jest, I bade the whoreson thieves to dinner last night; I would I might have their companies; a pox poison em!

[Exit]

Mawworm Faith, and you are like to have no other guess, sir Bounteous, if you have none but us; I'll give you that gift, i'faith.

[Exit]



[Enter Harebrain, Inesse, and Possibility]

Possibility You see bold guests, master Harebrain.

Harebrain You're kindly welcome to my house, good master Inesse and master Possibility.

Inesse That's our presumption, sir.

Harebrain Ralph!

[Enter Ralph]

Ralph Here, sir.

Harebrain Call down your mistress to welcome these two gentlemen, my friends.

Ralph I shall, sir.

[Exit]

Harebrain [Aside] I will observe her carriage, and watch The slippery revolutions of her eye; I'll lie in wait for every glance she gives. And poise her words i' th' balance of suspect: If she but swag, she's gone; either on this hand Over familiar, or this too neglectful: It does behove her carry herself even.

Possibility But, master Harebrain &mdash;

Harebrain True, I hear you, sir; was't you said?

Possibility I have not spoke it yet, sir.

Harebrain Right, so I say.

Possibility Is it not strange, that in so short a time my little lady Gullman should be so violently handled?

Harebrain O, sickness has no mercy, sir.	It neither pities lady's lip nor eye; It crops the rose out of the virgin's cheek. And so deflowers her that was ne'er deflower'd.	Fools, then, are maids to lock from men that treasure Which death will pluck, and never yield 'em pleasure. Ah, gentlemen, though I shadow it, that sweet virgin's sickness grieves me not lightly! she was my wife's only delight and company. Did you not hear her, gentlemen, i' th' midst of her extremest fit, still how she called upon my wife, remembered still my wife, sweet mistress Hare- brain? When she sent for me, a' one side of her bed stood the physician, the scrivener on the other: two horrible objects, but mere opposites in the course of their lives, for the scrivener binds folks, and the physician makes them loose.

Possibility But not loose of their bonds, sir.

Harebrain No, by my faith, sir, I say not so: if the physician could make 'em loose of their bonds, there's many a one would take physic, that dares not now for poisoning. But, as I was telling of	you, her will was fashioning, wherein I found her best and richest jewel given as a legacy unto my wife: when I read that, I could not refrain weeping. Well, of all other my wife has most reason to visit her; if she have any good nature in her, she'll show it there. &mdash;

[Re-enter Ralph]

Now, sir, where's your mistress?

Ralph She desires you, and the gentlemen your friends, to hold her excused; she's a fit of an ague now upon her, which begins to shake her.

Harebrain Where does it shake her most?

Ralph All over her body, sir.

Harebrain [Aside] Shake all her body? 'tis a saucy fit, I'm jealous of that ague. [To Inesse and Possibility] Pray, walk in gentlemen; I'll see you instantly.

[Exeunt Inesse and Possibility]

Ralph Now they are absent, sir, 'tis no such thing.

Harebrain What?

Ralph My mistress has her health, sir, But 'tis her suit she may confine herself From sight of all men but your own dear self, sir; For since the sickness of that modest virgin, Her only company, she delights in none.

Harebrain No? visit her again, commend me to her. Tell her they're gone, and only I myself Walk here t' exchange a word or two with her.

Ralph I'll tell her so, sir.

[Exit]

Harebrain Fool that I am, and madman, beast! what worse? Suspicious o'er a creature that deserves The best opinion and the purest thought; Watchful o'er her that is her watch herself; To doubt her ways that looks too narrowly Into her own defects: I, foolish-fearful, Have often rudely, out of giddy flames, Barr'd her those objects which she shuns herself Thrice I've had proof of her most constant temper: Come I at unawares by stealth upon her, I find her circled in with divine writs Of heavenly meditations; here and there Chapters with leaves tuck'd up, which when I see, They either tax pride or adultery. Ah, let me curse myself, that could be jealous Of her whose mind no sin can make rebellious! And here the unmatch'd comes.

[Enter Mistress Harebrain]

Now wife, i'faith, they're gone; Push, see how fearful 'tis! will you not credit me? They're gone, i'faith; why, think you I'll betray you? Come, come; thy delight and mine, Thy only virtuous friend, thy sweet instructress, Is violently taken grievous sick. And which is worse, she mends not.

Mistress Harebrain Her friends are sorry for that, sir.

Harebrain %%She calls still upon thee, poor soul, remembers thee still, thy name whirls in her breath; where's mistress Harebrain? says she.

Mistress Harebrain Alas, good soul!

Harebrain She made we weep thrice: Sh'as put thee in a jewel in her will.

Mistress Harebrain E'en to th' last gasp a kind souL

Harebrain Take my man, go visit her.

Mistress Harebrain Pray pardon me, sir; Alas, my visitation cannot help her!

Harebrain [Aside] O, yet the kindness of a thing, wife! Still she holds the same rare temper. [To Mistress Harebrain] Take my man, I say.

Mistress Harebrain I would not take your man, sir. Though I did purpose going.

Harebrain No? thy reason.

Mistress Harebrain The world's condition is itself so vild, sir, 'Tis apt to judge the worst of those deserve not; 'Tis an ill-thinking age and does apply All to the form of its own luxury This censure flies from one, that from another; That man's her squire, says he; her pimp the tother; She's of the stamp, a third; fourth, I ha' known her: I've heard this, not without a burning cheek. Then our attires are tax'd; our very gait Is called in question; where a husband's presence Scatters such thoughts, or makes 'em sink for fear Into the hearts that breed 'em: nay, surely, If I went, sir, I would entreat your company.

Harebrain Mine? prithee, wife; &mdash; I have been there already.

Mistress Harebrain That's all one; although you bring me but to th' door, sir, I would entreat no farther.

Harebrain Thou'rt such a wife! why, I will bring thee thither then, but not go up, I swear.

Mistress Harebrain I'faith, you shall not; I do not desire it, sir.

Harebrain Why, then, content.

Mistress Harebrain Give me your hand, you will do so, sir?

Harebrain Why, there's my lip I will.

Mistress Harebrain Why, then I go, sir.

Harebrain [Aside] With me, or no man! incomparable such a woman!

[Exeunt]



[The Courtesan in bed for her counterfeit fit; phials, gallipots, plates, and an hour-glass by her]

[Enter Penitent Brothel, disguised as a doctor of physic]

Penitent Lady!

Courtesan Ha, what news?

Penitent There's one sir Bounteous Progress newly alighted from his foot-cloth, and his mare waits at door, as the fashion is.

Courtesan 'Slid, 'tis the knight that privately maintains me; a	little, short, old, spiny gentleman in a great doublet?

Penitent The same; I know 'm.

Courtesan He's my sole revenue, meat, drink, and raiment. My good physician, work upon him; I'm weak.

Penitent Enough.

[Enter Sir Bounteous]

Sir Bounteous Why, where be these ladies? these plump, soft, delicate creatures? ha?

Penitent Who would you visit, sir?

Sir Bounteous Visit, who? what are you, with the plague in your mouth?

Penitent A physician, sir.

Sir Bounteous Then you are a looser-liver, sir; I have put you to your purgation.

Penitent But you need none, you're purged in a worse fashion.

Courtesan Ah, sir Bounteous!

Sir Bounteous How now? what art thou?

Courtesan Sweet, sir Bounteous!

Sir Bounteous Passion of me, what an alteration's here! Rosamond sick, old Harry? here's a sight able to make an old man shrink! I was lusty when I came in, but I am down now i'faith: mortality! yea, this puts me in mind of a hole seven foot deep; my grave, my grave, my grave. Hist, master doctor, a word, sir; hark, 'tis not the plague, is't?

Penitent The plague, sir? no.

Sir Bounteous Good.

Penitent [Aside] He ne'er asks whether it be the pox or no; and of the twain that had been more likely.

Sir Bounteous How now, my wench? how dost?

Courtesan Huh, &mdash; weak, knight, &mdash; huh.

Penitent [Aside] She says true, he's a weak knight indeed.

Sir Bounteous Where does it hold thee most, wench?

Courtesan All parts alike, sir.

Penitent [Aside] She says true still, for it holds her in none.

Sir Bounteous Hark in thine ear, thou'rt breeding of young bones; I	am afraid I have got thee with child, i'faith.

Courtesan I fear that much, sir.

Sir Bounteous O, O, if it should! a young Progress when all's done!

Courtesan You have done your good will, sir.

Sir Bounteous I see by her 'tis nothing but a surfeit of Venus, i'faith; and though I be old, I have gi'n't her; &mdash; but since I	had the power to make thee sick, I'll have the purse to make thee whole, that's certain. &mdash; Master doctor.

Penitent Sir?

Sir Bounteous Let's hear, I pray, what is't you minister to her.

Penitent Marry, sir, some precious cordial, some costly refocillation, a composure comfortable and restorative.

Sir Bounteous Ay, ay, that, that, that.

Penitent No poorer ingrediences than the liquor of coral, clear amber, or succinum; unicorn's horn, six grains; magisterium perlarum, one scruple &mdash;

Sir Bounteous Ah, hah!

Penitent Ossis de corde cervi, half a scruple; aurum potabile, or his tincture &mdash;

Sir Bounteous Very precious, sir.

Penitent All which being finely contunded, and mixed in a stone or glass mortar with the spirit of diamber &mdash;

Sir Bounteous Nay, pray, be patient, sir.

Penitent That's impossible; I cannot be patient and a physician too, sir.

Sir Bounteous O, cry you mercy, that's true, sir.

Penitent All which aforesaid &mdash;

Sir Bounteous Ay, there you left, sir.

Penitent When it is almost exsiccate or dry, I add thereto olei succini, olei masi, et cinnaniomi.

Sir Bounteous So, sir, olei masi, that same oil of mace is a	great comfort to both the counters.

Penitent And has been of a long time, sir.

Sir Bounteous [Aside] Well, be of good cheer, wench; there's gold for thee, huh. &mdash; Let her want for nothing, master doctor; a poor kinswoman of mine, nature binds me to have a care of her.&mdash; There I gulled you, master doctor.

%%[To ???] Gather up a good spirit, wench! the fit will away; 'tis but a surfeit of	gristles; &mdash; ha, ha, I have fitted her: an old knight and a cock a' th' game still: I have not spurs for nothing, I see.

Penitent No, by my faith, they're hatched; they cost you an angel, sir.

Sir Bounteous Look to her, good master doctor; let her want nothing: I've given her enough already, ha, ha, ha!

[Exit]

Courtesan So, is he gone?

Penitent He's like himself, gone.

Courtesan Here's somewhat to set up with. How soon he took occasion to slip into his own flattery, soothing his own defects! He	only fears he has done that deed which I ne'er feared to come from him in my life. This purchase came unlooked for.

Penitent Hist, the pair of sons and heirs.

Courtesan O, they're welcome! they bring money.

[Enter Inesse and Possibility]

Possibility Master doctor.

Penitent I come to you, gentlemen.

Possibility How does she now?

Penitent Faith, much after one fashion, sir.

Inesse There's hope of life, sir.

Penitent I see no signs of death in her.

Possibility That's some comfort; will she take anything yet?

Penitent Yes, yes, yes, she'll take still; sh'as a kind of facility in taking. How comes your band bloody, sir? <!- 1st ed: band; 2nd ed: hand - Alasdair ->

Inesse You may see I met with a scab, sir.

Penitent Diversa genera scabierum, as Pliny reports, there are divers kind of scabs.

Inesse Pray, let's hear 'em, sir.

Penitent An itching scab, that is your harlot; a sore scab, your usurer; a running scab, your promoter; a broad scab, your intelligencer; but a white scab, that's a scald knave and a pander: but, to speak truth, the only scabs we are now-a-days troubled withal are new officers and projectors.

Inesse Why, now you come to mine, sir; for I'll be sworn one of	them was very busy about my head this morning, and he should be a	scab by that; for they are ambitious, and covet the head.

Penitent Why, you saw I derived him, sir.

Inesse You physicians are mad gentlemen.

Penitent We physicians see the most sights of any men living. Your astronomers look upward into th' air, we look downward into th' body; and, indeed, we have power upward and downward.

Inesse That you have, i'faith, sir.

Possibility Lady, how cheer you now;

Courtesan The same woman still, &mdash; huh!

Possibility That's not good.

Courtesan Little alteration. Fie, fie, you have been too lavish, gentlemen.

Inesse Puh, talk not of that, lady; thy health's worth a million. &mdash; Here, master doctor, spare for no cost.

[Giving money,]

Possibility Look what you find there, sir.

Courtesan What do you mean, gentlemen? put up, put up. You see I'm down, and cannot strive with you, I'd rule you else; you have me at advantage; But if e'er I live, I will requite it deeply.

Inesse Tut, an't come to that once, we'll requite ourselves well enough.

Possibility Mistress Harebrain, lady, is setting forth to visit you too.

Courtesan Ha? &mdash; huh!

Penitent There struck the minute that brings forth the birth Of all my joys and wishes; but see the jar now!

[Aside] How shall I rid these from her?

Courtesan Pray, gentlemen, Stay not above an hour from my sight.

Inesse 'Sfoot, we are not going, lady!

Penitent [Aside] Subtly brought about! yet t'will not do; they'll stick by't. [To Both] A word with you, gentlemen.

Both What says master doctor?

Penitent She wants but settling of her sense with rest; One hour's sleep, gentlemen, would set all parts in tune.

Possibility He says true, i'faith.

Inesse Get her to sleep, master doctor; we'll both sit here and watch by her.

Penitent Hell's angels watch you! no art can prevail with 'em. [Aside] What with the thought of joys, and sight of crosses, My wits are at Hercules' Pillars; non plus ultra.

Courtesan Master doctor, master doctor!

Penitent Here, lady.

Courtesan Your physic works; lend me your hand.

Possibility Farewell, sweet lady.

Inesse Adieu, master doctor.

[Exeunt Possibility and Inesse]

Courtesan So.

Penitent Let me admire thee? The wit of man wanes and decreases soon, But women's wit is ever at full moon.

[Enter Mistress Harebrain]

There shot a star from heaven! I dare not yet behold my happiness, The splendour is so glorious and so piercing.

Courtesan Mistress Harebrain, give my wit thanks hereafter; your wishes are in sight, your opportunity spacious.

Mistress Harebrain Will you but hear a word from me?

Courtesan Whooh!

Mistress Harebrain My husband himself brought me to th' door, walks below for my return; jealousy is prick&#8209;eared, and will hear the wagging of a hair.

Courtesan Pish, you're a faint liver; trust yourself with your pleasure, and me with your security; go.

Penitent The fulness of my wish!

Mistress Harebrain Of my desire!

Penitent Beyond this sphere I never will aspire!

[Exeunt Penitent Brothel and Mistress Harebrain. Harebrain opens the door and listens; the Courtesan perceiving him]

Harebrain [Aside] I'll listen: now the flesh draws nigh her end. At such a time women exchange their secrets And ransack the close corners of their hearts: What many years hath whelm'd, this hour imparts.

Courtesan Pray, sit down, there's a low stool. Good; mistress Harebrain, this was kindly done, &mdash; huh, &mdash; give me your hand, &mdash; huh, &mdash; alas, how cold you are! even so is your husband, that worthy, wise gentleman; as comfortable a man to woman in my case as ever trod &mdash; huh &mdash; shoe-leather. Love him, honour him, stick by him: he lets you want nothing that's fit for a woman; and, to be sure on't, he will see himself that you want it not.

Harebrain [Aside] And so I do, i'faith; 'tis right my humour.

Courtesan You live a lady's life with him; go where you will, ride when you will, and do what you will.

Harebrain [Aside] Not so, not so, neither; she's better looked to.

Courtesan I know you do, you need not tell me that: 'twere e'en pity of your life, i'faith, if ever you should wrong such an innocent gentleman. Fie, Mrs. Harebrain, what do you mean? come you to discomfort me? nothing but weeping with you?

Harebrain [Aside] She's weeping! t'as made her weep: my wife shows her good nature already.

Courtesan Still, still weeping? huff, huff, huff; why, how now, woman? hey, hy, hy, for shame, leave; suh, suh, she cannot answer me for snobbing.

Harebrain [Aside] All this does her good; beshrew my heart, and I pity her; let her shed tears till morning, I'll stay for her. She shall have enough on't, by my good will; I'll not be her hindrance.

Courtesan O no! lay your hand here, mistress Harebrain; ay, there: O there, there lies my pain, good gentlewoman! Sore? O ay, I can scarce endure your hand upon't!

Harebrain [Aside] Poor soul, how she's tormented!

Courtesan Yes, yes; I eat a cullis an hour since.

Harebrain [Aside] There's some comfort in that yet, she may 'scape it.

Courtesan O, it lies about my heart much!

Harebrain [Aside] I'm sorry for that, i'faith; she'll hardly 'scape it.

Courtesan Bound? no, no; I'd a very comfortable stool this morning.

Harebrain [Aside] I'm glad of that, i'faith; that's a good sign; I smell she'll 'scape it now.

Courtesan Will you be going then?

Harebrain [Aside] Fall back, she's coming.

Courtesan Thanks, good mistress Harebrain; welcome, sweet mistress Harebrain; pray, commend me to the good gentleman your husband.

Harebrain [Aside] I could do that myself now.

Courtesan And to my uncle Winchcomb, and to my aunt Lipsalve, and to my cousin Falsetop, and to my cousin Lickit, and to my cousin Horseman, and to all my good cousins in Clerkenwell and St. John's.

[Re-enter Mistress Harebrain and Penitent Brothel]

Mistress Harebrain At three days' end my husband takes a journey.

Penitent O thence I derive a second meeting!

Mistress Harebrain May it prosper still! Till then I rest a captive to his will. &mdash; Once again, health, rest, and strength to thee, sweet lady: farewell, you witty squall. &mdash; Good master doctor, have a	care to her body; if you stand her friend, I know you can do her good.

Courtesan Take pity of your waiter; go: farewell, sweet mistress Harebrain.

Harebrain [Coming forward] Welcome, sweet wife, alight upon my lip! Never was hour spent better.

Mistress Harebrain Why, were you within the hearing, sir?

Harebrain Ay, that I was, i'faith. To my great comfort; I deceiv'd you there, wife; Ha, ha! I do entreat thee, nay, conjure thee, wife. Upon my love, or what can more be said, Oftener to visit this sick virtuous maid.

Mistress Harebrain Be not so fierce, your will shall be obey'd.

Harebrain Why, then, I see thou lov'st me.

[Exit with Mistress Harebrain]

Penitent Art of ladies! When plots are e'en past hope, and hang their head, Set with a woman's hand, they thrive and spread.

[Exit]



[Enter Follywit, Mawworm, Hoboy, and others]

Follywit Was't not well managed, you necessary mischiefs? did the plot want either life or art?

Mawworm 'Twas so well, captain, I would you could make such another muss at all adventures.

Follywit Dost call't a muss? I am sure my grandsire ne'er got his money worse in his life than I got it from him. If ever he did cozen the simple, why, I was born to revenge their quarrel; if ever oppress the widow, I, a fatherless child, have done as much for him. And so 'tis through the world, either in jest or earnest. Let the usurer look for't; for craft recoils in the end, like an overcharged musket, and maims the very hand that puts fire to't. There needs no more but a usurer's own blow to strike him from hence to hell; 'twill set him forward with a	vengeance. But here lay the jest, whoresons; my grandsire, thinking in his conscience that we had not robbed him enough o'ernight, must needs pity me i' th' morning, and give me the rest

Mawworm Two hundred pounds in fair rose-nobles, I protest.

Follywit Push, I knew he could not sleep quietly till he had paid me for robbing of	him too: 'tis his humour, and the humour of most of your rich men in	the course of their lives; for, you know, they always feast those mouths that are least needy, and give them more that have too much already; and what call you that but robbing of themselves a courtlier way? &mdash; O!&mdash;

Mawworm Cuds me, how now, captain?

Follywit A cold fit that comes over my memory, and has a shrewd pull at my fortunes.

Mawworm What's that, sir?

Follywit Is it for certain, lieutenant, that my grandsire keeps an uncertain creature, a quean?

Mawworm Ay, that's too true, sir.

Follywit %%So much the more preposterous for me; I shall hop shorter by that trick; she carries away the thirds at least: 'twill prove entailed land, I	am afraid, when all's done, i'faith. Nay, I've known a vicious old thought-acting father Damn'd only in his dreams, thirsting for game (When his best parts hung down their heads for shame), For his blanch'd harlot dispossess his son, And make the pox his heir; 'twas gravely done! How hadst thou first knowledge on't, lieutenant?

Mawworm Faith, from discourse; yet all the policy That I could use, I could not get her name.

Follywit Dull slave, that ne'er could'st spy it!

Mawworm But the manner of her coming was described to me.

Follywit How is the manner, prithee?

Mawworm Marry, sir, she comes most commonly coached.

Follywit Most commonly coached, indeed; for coaches are as common now-a-days as some that ride in 'em. She comes most commonly coached?

Mawworm True, there I left, sir; guarded with some leash of pimps.

Follywit Beside the coachman?

Mawworm Right, sir; then alighting, she's privately received by master Gumwater.

Follywit That's my grandsire's chief gentleman i' th' chain of gold: that he should live to be a pander, and yet look upon his chain and his velvet jacket!

Mawworm Then is your grandsire rounded i' th' ear; the key given after the Italian fashion, backward; she closely conveyed into his closet; there remaining, till either opportunity smile upon his credit, or he send down some hot caudle to take order in his performance.

Follywit Peace, 'tis mine own, i'faith; I ha't!

Mawworm How now, sir?

Follywit Thanks, thanks to any spirit that mingled it 'mongst my inventions

Hoboy Why, master Follywit&mdash;

The rest Captain&mdash;

Follywit Give me scope, and hear me. I've begot that means, which will both furnish me, And make that quean walk under his conceit.

Mawworm That were double happiness; to put thyself into money, and her out of favour.

Follywit And all at one dealing.

Hoboy 'sfoot, I long to see that hand played!

Follywit And thou shalt see't quickly, i'faith: nay, 'tis in grain; I warrant it hold colour. Lieutenant, step behind yon hanging: if I mistook not at	my entrance, there hangs the lower part of a gentlewoman's gown, with a mask and a chinclout: bring all this way. Nay, but do't cunningly, now; 'tis a friend's house, and I'd use it so; there's a taste for you.

[Exit Mawworm]

Hoboy But, prithee, what wilt thou do with a gentlewoman's lower part?

Follywit Why, use it.

Hoboy You've answered me, indeed, in that; I can demand no farther.

Follywit Well said. &mdash; Lieutenant&mdash;

[Re-enter Mawworm with gown, etc.]

Mawworm What will you do now, sir?

Follywit Come, come, thou shalt see, a woman quickly made up here.

Mawworm But that's against kind, captain; for they are always long a-making ready.

Follywit And is not most they do against kind, I prithee? To lie with their horse-keeper, is not that against kind? to wear half moons made of another's hair, is not that against kind? to drink down a man, she that should set him up, pray is not that monstrously against kind now? Nay, over with it, lieutenant, over with it; ever while you live put a woman's clothes over her head: Cupid plays best at blindman buff.

Mawworm You shall have your will, maintenance; I love mad tricks as well as you for your heart, sir: but what shift will you make for upper-bodies, captain?

Follywit I see now thou'rt an ass; why, I'm ready.

Mawworm Ready?

Follywit Why, the doublet serves as well as the best, and is most in fashion; we're all male to th' middle; mankind from the beaver to th' bum. 'Tis an Amazonian time; you shall have women shortly tread their husbands. I	should have a couple of locks behind; prithee, lieutenant, find 'em	out for me, and wind 'em about my hat-band: nay, you shall see, we'll	be in fashion to a hair, and become all with probability: the most musty-visage critic shall not except against me.

Mawworm Nay, I'll give thee thy due behind thy back; thou'rt as mad a piece of clay &mdash;

Follywit Clay! dost call thy captain clay? Indeed, clay was made to stop holes; he says true. Did not I tell you, rascals, you should see a woman quickly made up?

Hoboy I'll swear for't, captain.

Follywit Come, come, my mask and my chinclout &mdash; come into th' court.

Mawworm Nay, they were both i' th' court long ago, sir.

Follywit Let me see; where shall I choose two or three for pimps, now? but I	cannot choose amiss amongst you all, that's the best. Well, as I am a	quean, you were best have a care of me, and guard me sure. I give you warning beforehand; 'tis a monkey-tailed age. Life, you shall go nigh to have half a dozen blithe fellows surprise me cowardly, carry me away with a pair of oars, and put in at Putney!

Mawworm We should laugh at that, i'faith.

Follywit Or shoot in upo' th' coast of Kew.

Mawworm Two notable fit landing-places for lechers, P and Q, Putney and Kew.

Follywit Well, say you have fair warning on't; the hair about the hat is as good as	a flag upo' th' pole at a common play-house, to waft company; and a	chin-clout is of that powerful attraction, I can tell you, 'twill draw more linen to't.

Mawworm Fear not us, captain; there's none here but can fight for a whore as well as some Inns-a-court-man.

Follywit Why, then set forward; and as you scorn two&#8209;shilling brothel, Twelvepenny panderism, and such base bribes, Guard me from bonny scribs and bony scribes.

Mawworm Hang 'em, pensions and allowances! fourpence halfpenny a	meal, hang 'em! [Exeunt]

<ss A Mad World My Masters | 4.1 | A Chamber in Penitent Brothel&rsquo;s House >

[Enter out of his study Penitent Brothel, a book in his hand]

Penitent Ha? read that place again &mdash; &ldquo;Adultery Draws the divorce 'twixt heaven and the soul.&rdquo; Accursed man, that stand'st divorc'd from heaven! Thou wretched unthrift, that hast play'd away Thy eternal portion at a minute's game; To please the flesh hast blotted out thy name! Where were thy nobler meditations busied, That they durst trust this body with itself; 'This natural drunkard, that undoes us all, And makes our shame apparent in our fall? Then let my blood pay for't, and vex and boil! My soul, I know, would never grieve to th' death Th' eternal spirit, that feeds her with his breath: Nay, I that knew the price of life and sin, What crown is kept for continence, what for lust, The end of man, and glory of that end, As endless as the giver. To doat on weakness, slime, corruption, woman! What is she, took asunder from her clothes? Being ready, she consists of an hundred pieces, Much like your German clock, and near ally'd;	Both are so nice, they cannot go for pride: Besides a greater fault, but too well known, They'll strike to ten, when they should stop at one. Within these three days the next meeting's fix'd; If I meet then, hell and my soul be mix'd!	My lodging I know constantly, she not knows: Sin's hate is the best gift that sin bestows: I'll ne'er embrace her more; never, bear witness, never.

[Enter Succubus in the shape of Mistress Harebrain, and claps him on the shoulder]

Succubus What, at a stand? the fitter for my company.

Penitent Celestial soldiers guard me!

Succubus How now, man? &rsquo;Las, did the quickness of my presence fright thee?

Penitent Shield me you ministers of faith and grace!

Succubus Leave, leave; are you not ashamed to use such words to a woman?

Penitent Thou'rt a devil!

Succubus A devil? feel, feel, man; has a devil flesh and bone?

Penitent I do conjure thee, by that dreadful power &mdash;

Succubus The man has a delight to make me tremble &mdash; Are these the fruits of thy adventurous love? Was I enticed for this? so soon rejected! Come, what has chang'd thee so, delight?

Penitent Away!

Succubus Remember&mdash;

Penitent Leave my sight!

Succubus Have I this meeting wrought with cunning, Which, when I come, I find thee shunning? Rouse thy amorous thoughts, and twine me; All my interest I resign thee: Shall we let slip this mutual hour, Comes so seldom in our power? Where's thy lip, thy clip, thy fadom? Had women such loves, would't not mad 'em? Art a man? or dost abuse one? A love, and know&rsquo;st not how to use one! Come, I'll teach thee.

Penitent Do not follow&mdash;

Succubus Once so firm, and now so hollow! When was place and season sweeter? Thy bliss in sight, and dar'st not meet her? Where's thy courage, youth, and vigour? Love's best pleas'd when't 's seiz'd with rigour: Seize me, then, with veins most cheerful; Women love no flesh that's fearful: 'Tis but a fit come, drink't away. And dance and sing, and kiss and play! Fa le la, le la, fa le la, le la la; Fa le la, fa la le, la le la!

[Singing and dancing round him]

Penitent Torment me not?

Succubus Fa le la, fa le la, fa la la lo!

Penitent Fury!

Succubus Fa le la, fa le la, fa la la lo!

Penitent Devil, I do conjure thee once again, By that soul-quaking thunder, to depart. And leave this chamber freed from thy damn'd art!

[Succubus stamps, and exit]

It has prevail'd &mdash; O my sin-shaking sinews! What should I think? &mdash; Jasper, why, Jasper!

[Enter Jasper]

Jasper Sir? how now? what has disturb'd you, sir?

Penitent A fit, a qualm. Is mistress Harebrain gone?

Jasper Who, sir? mistress Harebrain?

Penitent Is she gone, I say? So

Jasper Gone? why, she was never here yet.

Penitent No?

Jasper Why, no, sir.

Penitent Art sure on't?

Jasper Sure on't? If I be sure I breathe, and am myself.

Penitent [Aside] I like it not. [To Jasper] Where kep'st thou?

Jasper I&rsquo; the next room, sir.

Penitent Why, she struck by thee, man.

Jasper You'd make one mad, sir; that a gentlewoman should steal by me, and I not hear her! 's foot, one may hear the ruffling of their bums almost an hour before we see 'em.

Penitent I will be satisfied, although to hazard. What though her husband meet me? I am honest: When men's intents are wicked, their guilt haunts 'em; But when they're just, they're arm'd, and nothing daunts 'em; [Aside]

[Exit]

Jasper What strange humour call you this? he dreams of women, and both his eyes broad open!

[Exit]

<ss A Mad World My Masters | 4.2 | A Room in Sir Bounteous's House >

[Enter at one door Sir Bounteous, at another Gumwater]

Sir Bounteous Why, how now, master Gumwater? what's the news with your haste?

Gumwater I have a thing to tell your worship&mdash;

Sir Bounteous Why, prithee, tell me; speak, man.

Gumwater Your worship shall pardon me, I have better bringing-up than so.

Sir Bounteous How, sir?

Gumwater 'Tis a thing made fit for your ear, sir

Sir Bounteous O, O, O, cry you mercy; now I begin to taste you. Is she come?

Gumwater She's come, sir.

Sir Bounteous Recover'd? well and sound again?

Gumwater That's to be feared, sir.

Sir Bounteous Why, sir?

Gumwater She wears a linen cloth about her jaw.

Sir Bounteous Ha, ha, haw! why, that's the fashion, You whoreson Gumwater.

Gumwater The fashion, sir?	Live I so long time to see that a fashion, Which rather was an emblem of dispraise? It was suspected much in Monsieur's days.

Sir Bounteous Ay, ay, in those days; that was a queasy time: our age is better hardened now, and put oftener in the fire; we are tried what we are. Tut, the pox is as natural now as an ague in the springtime; we seldom take physic without it. Here, take this key; you know what duties belong to't. Go, give order for a cullis: let there be a good fire made i' th' matted chamber: do you hear, sir?

Gumwater I know my office, sir.

[Exit]

Sir Bounteous An old man's venery is very chargeable, my masters; there's much cookery belongs to't.

[Exit]

<ss A Mad World My Masters | 4.3 | Another Chamber in Sir Bounteous&rsquo;s House >

[Enter Gumwater, with Follywit disguised as the Courtesan and masked]

Gumwater Come, lady: you know where you are now?

Follywit Yes, good master Gumwater.

Gumwater This is the old closet, you know.

Follywit I remember it well, sir.

Gumwater There stands a casket: I would my yearly revenue were but worth the wealth that's locked in't, lady! yet I have fifty pound a-year, wench.

Follywit Beside your apparel, sir?

Gumwater Yes, faith, have I.

Follywit But then you reckon your chain sir.

Gumwater No, by my troth, do I not, neither; faith, and you consider me rightly, sweet lady, you might admit a choice gentleman into your service.

Follywit O pray away, sir!

Gumwater Pusha, come, come; you do but hinder your fortunes, i'faith: I have the command of all the house, I can tell you: nothing comes into th' kitchen but comes through my hands.

Follywit Pray, do not handle me, sir.

Gumwater Faith, you're too nice, lady; and as for my secrecy, you know I have vowed it often to you.

Follywit Vowed it? no, no, you men are fickle.

Gumwater Fickle? 'sfoot! bind me, lady

Follywit Why, I bind you by virtue of this chain to meet me to-morrow at the Flower-de-luce yonder, between nine and ten.

Gumwater And if I do not, lady, let me lose it, thy love, and my best fortunes!

Follywit Why, now I'll try you; go to.

Gumwater Farewell, sweet lady!

[Kisses Follywit and exit]

Follywit Welcome, sweet coxcomb: by my faith, a good induction: I	perceive by his overworn phrase, and his action toward the middle region still, there has been some saucy nibbling motion; and no doubt the cunning quean waited but for her prey: and I think 'tis better bestowed upon me, for his soul's health and his body's too. I'll	teach the slave to be so bold yet, as once to offer to vault into his master's saddle, i'faith. Now, casket, by your leave; I've seen your outside oft, but that's no proof: Some have fair outsides that are nothing worth.

[Rifles the casket]

%%Ha! now, by my faith, a gentlewoman of very good parts; diamond, ruby, sapphire; Onyx cum prole silexque! if I do not wonder how the quean 'scaped tempting, I'm an hermaphrodite! sure she could lack nothing but the devil to	point to't; and I wonder that he should be missing: well, 'tis better as it is. This is the fruit of old grunting venery; grandsire, you may thank your drab for this. O fie, in your crinkling days, grandsire, keep a courtesan, to hinder your grandchild! 'tis against nature, i'faith, and I hope you'll be weary on't.	Now to my villains that lurk close below: Who keeps a harlot, tell him this from me. He needs nor thief, disease, nor enemy.

[Exit]

[Enter Sir Bounteous]

Sir Bounteous Ah, sirrah, methink I feel myself well toasted, bombasted, rubbed, and refreshed! but, i'faith, I cannot forget to think how soon sickness has altered her to my taste. I gave her a	kiss at bottom o' th' stairs, and, by th' mass, methought her breath had much ado to be sweet; like a thing compounded, methought, of wine, beer, and tobacco; I smelt much pudding in't.	It may be but my fancy, or her physic: For this I know, her health gave such content. The fault rests in her sickness, or my scent. &mdash; How dost thou now, sweet girl? what! well recover'd? Sickness quite gone, ha? speak &mdash; ha? wench? Frank Gullman! &mdash; Why, body of me, what's here? my casket wide open, broke open, my jewels stolen! &mdash; Why, Gumwater!

[Re-enter Gumwater]

Gumwater Anon, anon, sir.

Sir Bounteous Come hither, Gumwater.

Gumwater That were small manners, sir, i'faith: I'll find a time anon: your worship's busy yet.

Sir Bounteous Why, Gumwater!

Gumwater Foh, nay then you'll make me blush, i'faith, sir

Sir Bounteous Where's this creature?

Gumwater What creature is't you'd have, sir?

Sir Bounteous The worst that ever breathes.

Gumwater That's a wild boar, sir.

Sir Bounteous That's a vild whore, sir; &mdash; where did'st thou leave her, rascal?

Gumwater Who, your recreation, sir?

Sir Bounteous My execration, sir!

Gumwater Where I was wont; in your worship's closet.

Sir Bounteous A pox engross her! it appears too true. See you this casket, sir?

Gumwater My chain, my chain, my chain! my one and only chain!

[Exit]

Sir Bounteous Thou runnest to much purpose now. Gumwater, yea! Is not a quean enough to answer for, but she must join a thief to't? a	thieving quean! nay, I have done with her, i'faith. 'Tis a sign sh'as	been sick a' late; for she's a great deal worse than she was: by my troth I would have pawned my life upon't. Did she want anything? was she not supplied? Nay, and liberally; for that's an old man's sin: We'll feast our lechery, though we starve our kin. Is not my name Sir Bounteous? am I not express'd there? Ah, fie, fie, fie, fie, fie! but I perceive. Though she have never so complete a friend, A strumpet's love will have a waft i' th' end. And distaste the vessel. I can hardly bear this; But say, I should complain; perhaps she has pawn'd 'em &mdash; 'Sfoot, the judges will but laugh at it and bid her borrow more money of 'em; make the old fellow pay for's lechery; that's all the mends I	get. I have seen the same case tried at Newbury the last 'sizes. Well, things must slip and sleep; I will dissemble it, Because my credit shall not lose her lustre: But whilst I live, I'll neither love nor trust her, no I ha' done, I ha' done, I ha' done with her, i'faith!

[Exit]

<ss A Mad World My Masters | 4.4 | An Hall in Harebrain&rsquo;s House >

[Knocking within; enter a Servant]

Servant Who's that knocks?

Penitent [Within] A friend.

[Servant opens the door. Enter Penitent Brothel]

Servant What's your will, sir?

Penitent Is master Harebrain at home?

Servant No, newly gone from it, sir.

Penitent Where's the gentlewoman his wife?

Servant My mistress is within, sir.

Penitent When came she in, I pray?

Servant Who, my mistress? she was not out these two days, to my knowledge.

Penitent No? trust me, I'd thought I'd seen her. I would request a word with her.

Servant I'll tell her, sir.

Penitent I thank you.

[Exit Servant]

It likes me worse and worse.

[Enter Mistress Harebrain]

Mistress Harebrain Why, how now, sir? 'twas desperately adventured; I little looked for you until the morrow.

Penitent No? Why what made you at my chamber then even now?

Mistress Harebrain I at your chamber?

Penitent Pooh, dissemble not; Come, come, you were there.

Mistress Harebrain By my life, you wrong me, sir!

Penitent What?

Mistress Harebrain First, you're not ignorant what watch keeps o'er me; And for your chamber, as I live, I know't not.

Penitent Burst into sorrow then, and grief's extremes. Whilst I beat on this flesh!

Mistress Harebrain What is't disturbs you, sir?

Penitent Then was the devil in your likeness there.

Mistress Harebrain Ha!

Penitent The very devil assum'd thee formally; That face, that voice, that gesture, that attire. E'en as it sits on thee, not a plait alter'd;	That beaver band, the' colour of that periwig, The farthingale above the navel; all As if the fashion were his own invention.

Mistress Harebrain Mercy, defend me!

Penitent To beguile me more. The cunning Succubus told me that meeting Was wrought 'a purpose by much wit and art; Wept to me; laid my vows before me; urg'd me; Gave me the private marks of all our love; Woo'd me in wanton and effeminate rhymes. And sung and danc'd about me like a fairy: And had not worthier cogitations blest me, Thy form, and his enchantments, had possess'd me.

Mistress Harebrain What shall become of me? my own thoughts doom me.

Penitent Be honest, then the devil will ne'er assume thee: He has no pleasure in that shape t' abide Where these two sisters reign not, lust or pride; He as much trembles at a constant mind As looser flesh at him: be not dismayed; Spring, souls, for joy! his policies are betray'd!	Forgive me, mistress Harebrain, on whose soul The guilt hangs double, My lust, and thy enticement! both I challenge; And therefore of due vengeance it appear'd	To none but me, to whom both sins inher'd.	What knows the lecher, when he clips his whore, Whether it be the devil his parts adore? They're both so like, that, in our natural sense, I could discern no change nor difference. No marvel, then, times should so stretch and turn; None for religion, all for pleasure burn. Hot zeal into hot lust is now transformed; Grace into panting, 'charity into clothes; Faith into false hair, and put off as often. There's nothing but our virtue knows a mean: He that kept open house now keeps a quean. He will keep open still, that he commends; And there he keeps a table for his friends: And she consumes more than his sire could hoard, Being more common than his house or board.

[Enter Harebrain behind]

Live honest, and live happy, keep thy vows; She's part a virgin whom but one man knows: Embrace thy husband, and beside him none; Having but one heart, give it but to one.

Mistress Harebrain I vow it on my knees, with tears true bred, No man shall ever wrong my husband's bed!

Penitent Rise; I'm thy friend for ever.

Harebrain [Coming forward] And I thine For ever and ever! &mdash; Let me embrace thee, sir, Whom I will love even next unto my soul, And that's my wife. Two dear rare gems this hour presents me with, A wife that's modest and a friend that's right: Idle suspect and fear, now take your flight!

Penitent A happy inward peace crown both your joys!

Harebrain Thanks above utterance to you! &mdash;

[Enter Servant]

Now, the news?

Servant Sir Bounteous Progress, sir, Invites you and my mistress to a feast On Tuesday next; his man attends without.

Harebrain Return both with our willingness and thanks. &mdash;

[Exit Servant]

I will entreat you, sir, to be my guest.

Penitent Who, I, sir?

Harebrain Faith, you shall.

Penitent Well, I'll break strife.

Harebrain A friend's so rare, I'll sooner part from life.

[Exeunt]

<ss A Mad World My Masters | 4.5 | A Room in the Courtesan&rsquo;s House >

[Enter Follywit, and the Courtesan striving from him]

Follywit What, so coy, so strict? come, come!

Courtesan Pray, change your opinion, sir; I am not for that use.

Follywit Will you but hear me?

Courtesan I shall hear that I would not.

[Exit]

Follywit 'Sfoot, this is strange! I've seldom seen a wench Stand upon stricter points: life, she will not Endure to be courted! does she e'er think to prosper? I'll ne'er believe that tree can bring forth fruit That never bears a blossom; courtship's a blossom, And often brings forth fruit in forty weeks. 'Twere a mad part in me now to turn over: If e'er there were any hope on't, 'tis at this instant. Shall I be madder now than e'er I've been? I'm in the way, i'faith. Man's never at high height of madness full Until he love, and prove a woman's gull. I do protest in earnest, I ne'er knew At which end to begin t'affect a woman Till this bewitching minute; I ne'er saw Face worth my object till mine eye met hers; I should laugh and I were caught, i'faith: I'll see her again, that's	certain, whate'er comes on't, by your favour, ladies.

[Enter Mother]

Mother You're welcome, sir.

Follywit Know you the young gentlewoman that went in lately?

Mother I have best cause to know her; I'm her mother, sir.

Follywit O, in good time. I like the gentlewoman well; a pretty contrived beauty.

Mother Ay, nature has done her part, sir.

Follywit But she has one uncomely quality.

Mother What's that, sir?

Follywit 'Sfoot, she's afraid of a man.

Mother Alas! impute that to her bashful spirit, She's fearful of her honour.

Follywit Of her honour? 'slid, I'm sure I cannot get Her maidenhead with breathing upon her, Nor can she lose her honour in her tongue.

Mother True; and I have often told her so; but what would you have a foolish virgin, sir, a wilful virgin? I tell you, sir, I need not have been in that solitary estate that I am, had she had grace and boldness to have put herself forward; always timorsome, always backward! Ah, that same peevish honour of hers has undone her and me both, good gentleman! the suitors, the jewels, the jointures, that has been offered her! we had been made women for ever: but what was her fashion? she could not endure the sight of a man, forsooth, but run and hole herself presently. So choice of her honour, I am	persuaded, whene'er she has husband,

She'll e'en be a precedent for all married wives How to direct their actions and their lives.

Follywit Have you not so much power with her to command her presence?

Mother You shall see straight what I can do, sir.

[Exit]

Follywit Would I might be hanged, if my love do not stretch to her deeper and deeper! Those bashful maiden humours take me prisoner. When there comes a restraint upon flesh we are almost greedy upon't:	and that makes your merchant's wife oftentimes pay so dear for a	mouthful. Give me a woman as she was made at first; simple of	herself, without sophistication, like this wench: I cannot bide them when they have tricks, set speeches, and artful entertainments. You shall have some so impudently aspected, They will outcry the forehead of a man, Make him blush first, and talk him into silence; And this is counted manly in a woman: It may hold so; sure, womanly it is not. No; If e'er I love, or anything move me, 'Twill be a woman's simple modesty.

[Re-enter Mother, bringing in strivingly the Courtesan]

Courtesan Pray let me go; why, mother, what do you mean? I beseech you, mother! is this your conquest now? Great glory 'tis to overcome a poor And silly virgin.

Follywit The wonder of our time sits in that brow: I ne'er beheld a perfect maid till now.

Mother Thou childish thing, more bashful than thou'rt wise, Why dost thou turn aside, and drown thine eyes? Look, fearful fool, there's no temptation near thee; Art not asham'd that any flesh should fear thee? Why, I durst pawn my life the gentleman Means no other but honest and pure love to thee, &mdash; How say you, sir?

Follywit By my faith, not I, lady.

Mother Hark you there? what think You now, forsooth? what grieves your honour now? Or what lascivious breath intends to. rear Against that maiden organ, your chaste ear? Are you resolv'd now better of men's hearts, Their faiths, and their affections? With you none, Or at most few, whose tongues and minds are one. Repent you now of your opinion past; Men love as purely as you can be chaste. &mdash; To her yourself,-sir; the way's broke before you; You have the easier passage.

Follywit Fear not. Come, Erect thy happy graces in thy look; I am no curious wooer, but, in faith, I love thee honourably.

Courtesan How mean you that, sir?

Follywit 'Sfoot, as one loves a woman for a wife.

Mother Has the gentleman answered you, trow?

Follywit I do confess it truly to you both, My estate is yet but sickly; but I've a grandsire Will make me lord of thousands at his death.

Mother I know your grandsire well; she knows him better.

Follywit Why, then, you know no fiction: my state then Will be along day's journey 'bove the waste, wench.

Mother Nay, daughter, he says true.

Follywit And thou shalt often measure it in thy coach. And with the wheel's track make a girdle for't.

Mother Ah, 'twill be a merry journey! no

Follywit What, is't a match? if t be, clap hands and lips.

[Kisses Courtesan]

Mother 'Tis done; there's witness on't.

Follywit Why then, mother, I salute you.

[Kisses Mother]

Mother Thanks, sweet son. Son Follywit, come hither; if I might counsel thee. We'll take her e'en while the good mood's upon her; Send for a priest, and clap't up within this hour.

Follywit By my troth, agreed, mother.

Mother Nor does her wealth consist all in her flesh. Though beauty be enough wealth for a woman; She brings a dowry of three hundred with her.

Follywit 'Sfoot, that will serve &rsquo;til my grandsire dies; I warrant you he'll drop away at fall a' th' leaf; If e'er he reach to All Hollantide, I'll be hang'd.

Mother O yes, son, he's a lusty old gentleman.

Follywit Ah, pox, he's given to women! he keeps a quean at this present.

Mother Fie!

Follywit Do not tell my wife on't.

Mother That were needless, i'faith.

Follywit He makes a great feast upon the eleventh of this month, Tuesday next, and you shall see players there &mdash; I have one trick more to put upon him. [Aside] &mdash; My wife and yourself shall go thither before as my guests, and prove his entertainment: I'll meet you there at night. The jest will be here; that feast which he makes will unknown to him serve fitly for our wedding-dinner; we shall be royally furnished, and get some charges by't.

Mother An excellent course, i'faith, and a thrifty! why, son, Methinks you begin to thrive before you're married.

Follywit We shall thrive one day, wench, and clip enough: Between our hopes there's but a grandsire's puff.

[Exit]

Mother So, girl, here was a bird well caught.

Courtesan If ever, here: But what for 's grandsire, 'twill scarce please him well.

Mother Who covets fruit, ne'er cares from whence it fell: Thou'st wedded youth and strength; and wealth will fall! Last, thou'rt made honest.

Courtesan And that's worth 'em all.

[Exeunt]

<ss A Mad World My Masters | 5.1 | A Room in Sir Bounteous&rsquo;s House >

[Enter Sir Bounteous, Gumwater and Servants pass over the stage]

Sir Bounteous Have a care, blue coats. Bestir yourself, master Gumwater; cast an eye into th' kitchen; o'erlook the knaves a little. Every Jack has his friend to-day; this cousin, and that cousin, puts in for a dish of meat: a man knows not, till he make a feast, how many varlets he feeds; acquaintances swarm in every corner, like flies at Bartholomew-tide, that come up with drovers; 'sfoot I think they smell my kitchen seven mile about. &mdash;

[Enter Harebrain, Mistress Harebrain, and Penitent Brothel]

Master Harebrain, and his sweet bedfellow! you're very copiously welcome.

Harebrain Sir, here's an especial dear friend of ours: we were bold to make his way to your table.

Sir Bounteous Thanks for that boldness ever, good master Harebrain: is this your friend, sir?

Harebrain Both my wife's friend and mine, sir.

Sir Bounteous Why, then, compendiously, sir, you're welcome.

Penitent In octavo I thank you, sir.

Sir Bounteous Excellently retorted, i'faith! he's welcome for 's wit: I have my sorts of salutes, and know how to place 'em courtly. Walk in,'sweet gentlemen, walk in; there's a good fire i' th' hall; you shall have my sweet company instantly.

Harebrain Ay, good Sir Bounteous.

Sir Bounteous You shall indeed, gentlemen.

[Exeunt Harebrain, Mistress Harebrain, and Penitent Brothel]

[Enter Servant]

<!- Globe edition says Semus is misprint for Servus ie. servant -> How now? what news brings thee in stumbling now?

Servant There are certain players come to town, sir, and desire to interlude before your worship.

Sir Bounteous Players? by the mass, they are welcome; they'll grace my entertainment well. But for certain players, there thou liest, boy; they were never more uncertain in their lives; now up, and now down; they know not when to play, where to play, nor what to play: not when to play, for fearful fools; where to play, for puritan fools; nor what to play, for critical fools. Go, call 'em in.

[Exit Servant]

How fitly the whoresons come upo' th' feast! troth, I was e'en wishing for 'em.

[Re-enter Servant with Follywit, Mawworm, Hoboy, and others, disguised as players]

Welcome, welcome, my friends!

Follywit The month of May delights not in her flowers More than we joy in that sweet sight of yours.

Sir Bounteous Well acted, a' my credit! I perceive he's your best actor.

Mawworm

He has greatest share, sir, and may live of himself, sir.

Sir Bounteous What, what? &mdash; Put on your hat, sir, pray, put on; go to, wealth must be respected: let those that have least feathers stand bare. And whose men are you, I pray? &mdash; nay, keep on your hat still.

Follywit We serve my lord Owemuch, sir.

Sir Bounteous My lord Owemuch? by my troth, the welcomest men alive! give me all your hands at once! That honourable gentleman, he lay at	my house in a robbery once, and took all quietly, went away cheerfully: 1 made a very good feast for him: I never saw a man of honour bear things bravelier away. Serve my lord Owemuch? welcome, i'faith! &mdash; Some bastard for my lord's players!

[Exit Servant, and returns with wine]

Where be your boys?

Follywit They come along with the wagon, sir.

Sir Bounteous Good, good; and which is your politician amongst you? now, i'faith, he that works out restraints, makes best legs at court, and has a suit made of purpose for the company's business; which is he? come, be not afraid of him.

Follywit I am he, sir.

Sir Bounteous Art thou he? give me thy hand. Hark in thine ear: thou rollest too fast to gather so much moss as thy fellow there; champ upon that. Ah, and what play shall we have, my masters?

Follywit A pleasant, witty comedy, sir.

Sir Bounteous Ay, ay, ay; a comedy in any case, that I and my guests may laugh a little: what's the name on't?

Follywit 'Tis called &tdquo;The Slip&rdquo;.

Sir Bounteous &ldquo;The Slip&rdquo; I by my troth a pretty name, and a glib one: go all and slip into't, as fast as you can. Cover a table for the players! First take heed of a lurcher; he cuts deep, he will eat up all from you. &mdash; Some sherry for my lord's players there! Sirrah, why this will be a	true feast, a right Mitre supper, a play and all.

[Exeunt Follywit, Mawworm, Hoboy, and others, with Servant]

More lights!

[Enter Mother and Courtesan]

I called for light; here come in two are light enough for a whole house, i'faith. Dare the thief look me i' th' face? O impudent times! Go to, dissemble it!

Mother Bless you, Sir Bounteous!

Sir Bounteous O welcome, welcome thief, quean, and bawd! welcome all three!

Mother Nay, here's but two on's, sir.

Sir Bounteous 'A my troth, I took her for a couple; I'd have sworn there had been two faces there.

Mother Not all under one hood, sir. go

Sir Bounteous Yes, faith, would I, to see mine eyes bear double.

Mother I'll make it hold, sir; my daughter is a couple, She was married yesterday.

Sir Bounteous Buz!

Mother Nay, to no buzzard neither; a right hawk, Whene'er you know him.

Sir Bounteous Away! he cannot be but a rascal. Walk in, walk in, bold guests, that come unsent for!

[Exit Mother]

Pox, I perceive how my jewels went now. To grace her marriage. [Aside]

Courtesan Would you with me, sir?

Sir Bounteous Ay; how hapt it, wench, you put the slip upon me, Not three nights since? I name it gently to you; I term it neither pilfer, cheat, nor shark.

Courtesan You're past my reach.

Sir Bounteous I'm old, and past your reach, very good; but you will not deny this, I trust.

Courtesan With a safe conscience, sir.

Sir Bounteous Yea? give me thy hand; fare thee ' well. &mdash; I have done with her.

Courtesan Give me your hand, sir; you ne'er yet begun with me.

[Exit]

Sir Bounteous When, when! O audacious age! She denies me, and all, when on her fingers I spied the ruby sit, that does betray her, And blushes for her fact! Well, there's a time for't, For all's too little now for entertainment. Feast, mirth, ay, harmony, and the play to boot; A jovial season. &mdash;

[Re-enter Follywit]

How now, are you ready?

Follywit Even upon readiness, sir.

Sir Bounteous Keep you your hat on.

Follywit I have a suit to your worship.

Sir Bounteous O, cry you mercy; then you must stand bare.

Follywit We could do all to the life of action, sir, both for the credit of your worship's house, and the grace of our comedy&mdash;

Sir Bounteous Cuds me, what else, sir?

Follywit And for some defects, as the custom is, we would be bold to require your worship's assistance.

Sir Bounteous Why, with all my heart; what is't you want? speak.

Follywit One's a chain for a justice's hat, sir.

Sir Bounteous Why, here, here, here, here, whoreson; will this serve your turn?

[Giving chain]

Follywit Excellent well, sir.

Sir Bounteous What else lack you?

Follywit We should use a ring with a stone in't.

Sir Bounteous Nay, whoop, I have given too many rings already; talk no more of rings, I pray you: here, here, here, make this jewel serve for once.

[Giving jewel]

Follywit O this will serve, sir.

Sir Bounteous What, have you all now?

Follywit All now, sir; only Time is brought i' th' middle of the play, and I would desire your worship's watchtime.

Sir Bounteous My watch? with all my heart; only give Time a charge that he be not fiddling with it.

[Giving watch]

Follywit You shall ne'er see that, sir.

Sir Bounteous Well, now you are furnish'd, sir, make haste; away. Fol E'en as fast as I can, sir: I'll set my fellows going first; They must have time and leisure, or they're dull else.

[Exit Sir Bounteous]

I'll stay and speak a prologue, yet o'ertake 'em: I cannot have conscience, i'faith, to go away, And ne'er ' a word to 'em. My grandsire has given me Three shares here; sure I'll do somewhat for 'em.

[Exit]

<ss A Mad World My Masters | 5.2 | An Hall in Sir Bounteous&rsquo;s House >

[Enter Sir Bounteous, Harebrain, Mistress Harebrain, Penitent Brothel,and other guests; Courtesan and Mother; Gumwater and Servants]

Sir Bounteous More lights, more stools! sit, sit: the play begins.

Harebrain Have you players here, Sir Bounteous?

Sir Bounteous We have 'em for you, sir; fine nimble comedians, proper actors most of them.

Penitent Whose men, I pray you, sir?

Sir Bounteous O, there's their credit, sir! they serve an honourable popular gentleman, ycleped my Lord Owemuch.

Harebrain My Lord Owemuch? He was in Ireland lately.

Sir Bounteous O, you ne'er knew any of the name but were great travellers.

Harebrain How is the comedy called. Sir Bounteous?

Sir Bounteous Marry, sir, &ldquo;The Slip&rdquo;.

Harebrain &ldquo;The Slip&rdquo;?

[Enter, for Prologue, Follywit]

Sir Bounteous Ay, and here the prologue begins to slip in upon's.

Harebrain 'Tis so indeed, Sir Bounteous.

[Italics indicate that Follywit is acting]

Follywit We sing of wandering knights, what them betide, Who nor in one place nor one shape abide; They're here now, and anon no scouts can reach 'em. Being every man well hors'd like a bold Beacham?- The play which we present no fault shall meet But one; you&rsquo;ll say 'tis short, we'll say 'tis sweet: 'Tis given much to dumb shows, which some praise; And, like the term, delights much in delays. So to conclude, and give the name her due. The play being called &ldquo;The Slip&rdquo;, I vanish too.

[Exit]

Sir Bounteous Excellently well acted, and a nimble conceit!

Harebrain The prologue's pretty, i'faith.

Penitent And went off well.

Sir Bounteous Ay, that's the grace of all, when they go away well, ah, hah!

Courtesan A' my troth, and I were not married, I could find in my	heart to fall in love with that player now, and send for him to a	supper.' I know some i' th' town that have done as much, and there took such a good conceit of their parts into th' two-penny room,'- that the actors have been found i' th' morning in a less compass than their stage, though 'twere ne'er so full of gentlemen.

Sir Bounteous But, passion of me, where be these knaves? will they not come away? methinks they stay very long.

Penitent O, you must bear a little, sir; they have many shifts to run into.

Sir Bounteous Shifts call you 'em? they're horrible long things.

[Re-enter Follywit in a fury]

Follywit A pox of such fortune, the plot's betrayed! all will come out: yonder they come, taken upon suspicion, and brought back by a	constable. I was accursed to hold society with such coxcombs! what's	to be done? I shall be shamed for ever! My wife here, and all! ah, pox &mdash; by light, happily thought upon! the chain. Invention stick to me this once, and fail me ever hereafter! so, so&mdash;

[Aside]

Sir Bounteous Life, I say, where be these players? &mdash; O, are you come? troth, it's time; I was e'en sending for you.

Harebrain How moodily he walks! what plays he, trow? ^

Sir Bounteous A justice, upon my credit; I know by the chain there.

Follywit Unfortunate justice!

Sir Bounteous Ah &mdash; a &mdash; a &mdash;

Follywit In thy kin unfortunate! Here comes thy nephew now upon suspicion. Brought by a constable before thee; his vild Associates with him; But so disguis'd, none knows him but myself. Twice have I set him free from officer's fangs, And for his sake his fellows: let him look to&rsquo;t; My conscience will permit but one wink more.

Sir Bounteous Yea, shall we take justice winking?

Follywit For this time I have bethought a means to work thy freedom. ''Though hazarding myself. Should the law seize him.'' Being kin to me, 'twould blemish much my name: No; I'd rather lean to danger than to shame.

Sir Bounteous A very explete justice!

Constable [Within] Thank you, good neighbours; let me alone with 'em now.

[Enter Constable with Mawworm, Hoboy, and the rest of Follywit's companions]

Mawworm 'Sfoot, who's yonder?

Hoboy Dare he sit there?

Companion 3 Follywit!

Companion 4 Captain! pooh!

Follywit How now, constable I what news with thee!

Constable May it please your worship, sir, here are a company of suspicious fellows.

Sir Bounteous To me? pooh, turn to th' justice, you whoreson hobby-horse! &mdash; This is some new player now; they put all their fools to the constable's part still.

Follywit ''What&rsquo;s the matter, constable? what's the matter?''

Constable I have nothing to say to your worship. &mdash; They were all riding a' horseback, an't please your worship.

Sir Bounteous Yet again? a pox of all asses still! they could not ride a' foot, unless 'twere in a bawdy-house.

Constable The ostler told me they were all unstable fellows, sir.

Follywit Why, sure the fellow&rsquo;s drunk.

Mawworm We spied that weakness in him long ago, sir; Your worship must bear with him, the man's much o'erseen; Only in respect of his office we obey'd him. Both to appear conformable to law, And clear of all offence; for I protest, sir, He found us but a' horseback.

Follywit What, he did?

Mawworm As I have a soul, that's all, and all he can lay to us.

Constable I&rsquo;faith, you were not riding away then?

Mawworm 'Sfoot, being a' horseback, sir, that must needs follow.

Follywit Why, true, sir.

Sir Bounteous Well said, justice! he helps his kinsman well.

Follywit Why, sirrah, do you use to bring gentlemen before us for riding away? What, will you have 'em stand still when they're up, like Smug upo' ih' white horse yonder? are your wits steeped? I'll make you an example for all ditch constables, how they abuse justice. &mdash; Here, bind him to this chair.</i>

Constable Ha, bind him? ho!

Follywit If you want cords, use garters.

[Mawworm, Hoboy, etc., bind the Constable]

Constable Help, help, gentlemen!

Mawworm As fast as we can, sir.

Constable Thieves, thieves!

Follywit A gag will help all this: keep less noise, you knave.

Constable O help! rescue the constable; O, O!

[They gag him]

Sir Bounteous Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Follywit Why, la, you who lets you now? You may ride quietly; I&rsquo;ll see you to Take horse myself, I have nothing else to do.

[Exeunt Follywit, Mawworm, Hoboy, and others]

Constable O,O,O!

Sir Bounteous Ha, ha, ha! by my troth, the maddest piece of justice, gentlemen, that ever was committed.

Harebrain I'll be sworn for the madness on't, sir.

Sir Bounteous I am deceived, if this prove not a merry comedy and a witty.

Penitent Alas, poor constable! his mouth's open, and ne'er a wise word.

Sir Bounteous Faith, he speaks now e'en as many as he has done; he seems wisest when he gapes and says nothing. Ha, ha! he turns and tells his tale to me like an ass. What have I to do with their riding away? They may ride for me, thou whoreson coxcomb, thou! nay, thou art well enough served, i'faith.

Penitent But what follows all this while, sir? methinks some should pass by before this time, and pity the constable.

Sir Bounteous By th' mass, and you say true, sir. &mdash; Go, sirrah, step in; I think they have forgot themselves; call the knaves away; they're in a wood, I believe.

[Exit Servant]

Constable Ay, ay, ay!

Sir Bounteous Hark, the constable says ay, they're in a wood: ha, ha!

Gumwater He thinks long of the time, Sir Bounteous.

[Re-enter Servant]

Sir Bounteous How now? when come they?

Servant Alas, an't please your worship, there's not one of them to be found, sir!

Sir Bounteous How?

Harebrain What says the fellow?

Servant Neither horse nor man, sir.

Sir Bounteous Body of me! thou liest.

Servant Not a hair of either, sir.

Harebrain How now, Sir Bounteous?

Sir Bounteous Cheated and defeated! Ungag that rascal; I'll hang him for 's fellows; I'll make him bring 'em out.

[They ungag Constable]

Constable Did not I tell your worship this before? Brought 'em before you for suspected persons? Stay'd 'em at town's end upon warning given? Made signs that my very jaw-bone aches? Your worship would not hear me; called me ass. Saving your worship's presence, laugh'd at me.

Sir Bounteous Ha!

Harebrain I begin to taste it.

Sir Bounteous Give me leave, give me leave. Why, art not thou the constable i' th' comedy?

Constable I' th' comedy? why, I am the constable i' th' commonwealth, sir.

Sir Bounteous I&rsquo;m gull'd, i'faith, I'm gull'd! When wast thou chose?

Constable On Thursday last, sir.

Sir Bounteous A pox go with't! there't goes,

Penitent I seldom heard jest match it.

Harebrain Nor I, i'faith?

Sir Bounteous Gentlemen, shall I entreat a courtesy?

Harebrain What is't, sir?

Sir Bounteous Do not laugh at me seven year hence.

Penitent We should betray and laugh at our own folly then, For, of my troth, none here but was deceiv'd in't.

Sir Bounteous Faith, that's some comfort yet; ha, ha! it was featly carried; troth, I commend their wits; before our faces make us asses, while we sit still and only laugh at ourselves!

Penitent Faith, they were some counterfeit rogues, sir.

Sir Bounteous Why, they confess so much themselves; they said they'd	play &ldquo;The Slip&rdquo;; they should be men of their words. I hope the justice will have more conscience, i'faith, than to carry away a	chain of a hundred mark of that fashion.

Harebrain What, sir?

Sir Bounteous Ay, by my troth, sir; Besides a jewel and a jewel's fellow, A good fair watch that hung about my neck, sir.

Harebrain 'Sfoot, what did you mean, sir?

Sir Bounteous Methinks my lord Owemuch's players should not scorn me	so, i'faith; they will come, and bring all again, I know; push, they will, i'faith; but a jest, certainly.

[Re-enter Follywit in his own dress, with Mawworm, Hoboy, and others]

Follywit Pray, grandsire, give me your blessing. [Kneeling]

Sir Bounteous Who? son Follywit?

Follywit [Aside] This shows like kneeling after the play; I praying for my Lord Owemuch and his good countess, our honourable lady and mistress.

Sir Bounteous Rise richer by a blessing; thou art welcome.

Follywit Thanks, good grandsire; I was bold to bring Those gentlemen, my friends.

Sir Bounteous They're all welcome! Salute you that side, and I'll welcome this side. &mdash; Sir, to begin with you.

Harebrain Master Follywit!

Follywit I am glad 'tis our fortune so happily to meet, sir.

Sir Bounteous Nay, then, you know me not, sir.

Follywit Sweet mistress Harebrain!

Sir Bounteous You cannot be too bold, sir.

Follywit Our marriage known?

Courtesan Not a word yet.

Follywit The better.

Sir Bounteous Faith, son, would you had come sooner with these gentlemen!

Follywit Why, grandsire?

Sir Bounteous We had a play here.

Follywit A play, sir? no?

Sir Bounteous Yes, faith! a pox a' th' author!

Follywit Bless us all! why, were they such vild ^ ones, sir?

Sir Bounteous I am sure villainous ones, sir.

Follywit Some raw simple fools!

Sir Bounteous Nay, by th' mass, these were enough for thievish knaves.

Follywit What, sir?

Sir Bounteous Which way came you, gentlemen? you could not choose but meet 'em.

Follywit We met a company with hampers after 'em.

Sir Bounteous O, those were they, those were they! A pox hamper 'em!

Follywit Bless us all again!

Sir Bounteous They have hampered me finely, sirrah.

Follywit How, sir?

Sir Bounteous How, sir? I lent the rascals properties to furnish out their play, a chain, a jewel, and a watch; and they watched their time, and rid quite away with 'em.

Follywit Are they such creatures?

Sir Bounteous Hark, hark, gentlemen! by this light, the watch rings alarum in his pocket! there's my watch come again, or the very cousin-german to't: whose is't, whose is't? by th' mass, 'tis he! Hast thou one, son? prithee, bestow it upon thy grandsire; I now look for mine again, i'faith: nay, come with a good will, or not at all; I'll give thee a better thing. &mdash; A prize, a prize, gentlemen!

[Draws chain, etc., out of Follywit&rsquo;s pocket]

Harebrain Great or small?

Sir Bounteous At once I've drawn chain, jewel, watch, and all.

Penitent By my faith, you have a fortunate hand, sir!

Harebrain Nay, all to come at once!

Mawworm A vengeance of this foolery!

Follywit Have I 'scaped the constable to be brought in by the watch?

Courtesan O destiny! have I married a thief, mother?

Mother Comfort thyself; thou art beforehand with him, daughter.

Sir Bounteous Why, son, why, gentlemen, how long have you been my lord Owemuch his servants, i'faith?

Follywit Faith, grandsire, shall I be true 1 to you?

Sir Bounteous I think 'tis time; thou'st been a thief already.

Follywit I, knowing the day of your feast, and the natural inclination you have to pleasure and pastime, presumed upon your patience for a jest, as well to prolong your days as&mdash;

Sir Bounteous Whoop! why, then, you took my chain along with you to prolong my days, did you?

Follywit Not so neither, sir; And that you may be seriously assur'd	Of my hereafter stableness of life, I have took another course.

Sir Bounteous What?

Follywit Took a wife.

Sir Bounteous A wife! 'sfoot, what is she for a fool would marry thee, a madman? when was the wedding kept? in bedlam?

Follywit She's both a gentlewoman and a virgin.

Sir Bounteous Stop there, stop there: would I might see her!

Follywit You have your wish; she's here.

Sir Bounteous Ah, ha, ha, ha! this makes amends for all.

Follywit How now?

Mawworm Captain, do you hear? is she your wife in earnest?

Follywit How then?

Mawworm Nothing, but pity you, sir.

Sir Bounteous Speak, son; is't true? Can you gull us, and let a quean gull you?

Follywit Ha!

Courtesan What I have been is past; be that forgiven. And have a soul true both to thee and heaven!

Follywit Is't come about? tricks are repaid, I see.

Sir Bounteous The best is, sirrah, 'you pledge none but me; And since I drink the top, take her &mdash; and, hark, I spice the bottom with a thousand mark.

Follywit By my troth, she is as good a cup of nectar as any bachelor needs to sip at. Tut, give me gold, it makes amends for vice; Maids without coin are caudles without spice.

Sir Bounteous Come, gentlemen, to th' feast; let not time waste; We've pleas'd our ear, now let us please our taste. Who lives by cunning, mark it, his fate's cast; When he has gull'd all, then is himself the last.

[Exeunt omnes]

[The catch for the Fifth Act, sung by Sir Bounteous Progress to his guests]

O for a bowl of fat canary, Rich Aristippus, sparkling sherry! Some nectar else from Juno's dairy; O these draughts would make us merry!

O for a wench! I deal in faces. And in other daintier things: Tickled am I with her embraces; Fine dancing in such fairy rings!

O for a plump, fat leg of mutton, Veal, lamb, capon, pig, and cony! None is happy but a glutton. None an ass but who wants money.

Wines, indeed, and girls are good, But brave victuals feast the blood: 'For wenches, wine, and lusty cheer, Jove would come down to surfeit here.